


VACCUMM

by draken14142, Lisiqe, MissWolfinger



Series: Undersell [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Biting, Blood, F/M, M/M, Multi, Reader's gender is not specified., Rough Sex, Skele-hoes, Sweet beans just want to sell vacuums, This is a joke story amongst friends., UNDERSELL, gender neutral smut, more tags to come, selling sex, smut in chapter 3, vacuums
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-04-24 13:51:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19174597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draken14142/pseuds/draken14142, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisiqe/pseuds/Lisiqe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissWolfinger/pseuds/MissWolfinger
Summary: After a wild night of unspeakable debauchery, you are in desperate need of a new vacuum. You think you have found just the store to help you out. Turns out you were wrong. About a lot of things, actually.





	1. I’d Tell You a Vacuum Joke, But They All Suck.

The vacuum’s busted. 

Your feeble attempts at fixing it only made it worse. 50 plus uses for duct tape your ass.  
And now you need a new vacuum. And how lucky for you that a nearby store sells just that. At least, you’re presuming that’s what they sell. The large sign on the storefront proclaims ‘VACCUMM’ in large, bold red lettering. 

On the surface, it seems a blatant typo, and one you’d think would be embarrassing for a store owner, but you heard that this shop is run by monsters. And the library you visited that one time was actually a … Librarby? So, maybe it’s a monster thing to have different spellings? You certainly don’t judge. 

Your workday was wrapping up smoothly. No pressing emails had come in last minute and it looked like you were going to get out on time today. All the pieces falling in place to get that new vacuum as soon as possible. The ridiculous mess still residing in your living room was getting on your nerves more and more with each passing day. It was a reminder of your poor life choices that were acerbated by alcohol and friendship. And it was the reason you had no more pillows to sleep on, had a ripped duvet and some of your favourite t-shirts were now garbage. Among other things. 

“Hey.” You looked up to see the face of your co-worker Sarah peering over your shared cubicle wall. “Mason, Kana and I are heading to Chili Hot Pot after work. You in?”

You halted your task of stuffing debrief notes into a hot pink folder and met her gaze.

“Thanks for the invite, but I’ve got plans right after work. Plans that involve dealing with that disgusting mess you made of my living room”

Sarah feigned pain, placing the back of her hand against her forehead with a dramatic flair, expression turning to a smirk soon after. 

“Cruel being, you wound me. As I remember it, and admittedly the details are a bit hazy, it was our mess. And one Skudworth would be proud of.”

“Guilty parties aside,” you interjected, “it still needs to be cleaned up.”

Sarah scratched the bottom of her chin, face turning pensive. “I presumed you would have had that cleaned-up days ago. Not that you’re a clean freak, but, that mess … ya know?”

Oh, you did know. But you really wished you didn’t.

 

“My vacuum took one look at what I was asking it to do and it killed itself right then and there. Noped the fuck out. I tried to resurrect it from the dead, but there is not much black magic in duct tape these days.” 

That made her snicker. 

“Fair enough. I won’t offer to help clean that war zone.” Sarah shudders a little at the memory. “But I will order some of those buns you like and bring them in tomorrow. That work?”

Delicious, delicate morsels of doughy deep-fried goodness, dipped in the creamy nectar of the Gods that is condensed milk? Oh, hell yes that works.

“Hmm…” You pretend to ponder this as if it were a grave decision. Face twisting between that of a grimace and one of acceptance. “Deal!”

 

\----------------

 

The vacuum shop is on your way to and from work so getting there is convenient; your lack of a vehicle to drive the vacuum home once purchased is less than convenient. Still, this is a smaller obstacle than the one you have awaiting you when you get home. Seriously, how the four of you managed to decimate four phone books– No, you scold yourself. Stop thinking about it. It only brings on feelings of shame. 

The walk to Vaccumm was pleasant. For being later in fall the days have been unseasonably warm. You enjoy autumn for the air’s crisp bite in the mornings, the perfect excuse to wear snuggly scarves and mitts, but this felt nice too. Only a thin sweater needed.

You smiled to the humans and monsters that you passed on your route. Your cheery mood from a good work day had much to do with that, but you always tried to be outwardly polite, especially to monsters. 

When you considered what they had to go through, a smile doesn’t even begin to make up for the hell they survived at your race’s hands. All Monsterkind, forced underground for generations. Some of them living and dying without ever seeing the sky above them; it made you sad. These people, at the very least, deserved smiles from strangers. Not looks of hate and scrutiny. 

 

Only ten minutes into your walk and you’ve arrived. The storefront walls were a simple spattered beige with two large windows on either side of the building’s centered red door. Bright, colourful vacuums were propped up in the window displays. You could hear the sound a loud buzzing above you. Like that of a neon bee. Taking a couple of steps back you could see the letters of the store sign lit up slightly with the onset of night. The distorted noise in question was coming from somewhere within that Vaccumm sign. 

Well, daylight’s burning. Let’s get this over with. 

You opened the door and a bell rang overhead. You heard music quietly playing in the background. A song you recognized as one of Mettaton’s new singles ‘Give me Alloy Your Love.’ The store was mostly empty, save for the displays in the window and a large wooden counter straight ahead of you. On it was a computer monitor facing away from you and a radio that was responsible for the pop song. 

This is a bit odd. 

You expected to see shelves of product; cleaners, vacuum bag liners, and replacement parts. And racks of vacuums with price tags. But the only indication that the place had anything to do with vacuums was the window displays and the name. 

 

You could hear shuffling from the door behind the counter that was slightly ajar. A very tall figure emerged back first through the doorway ducking low to clear the door. 

A Skeleton. It was a skeleton. You’ve never seen a monster like that before. 

“Brother?! I hope you came back with the spare bulbs I asked you for. It’s been three days and. Oh, hello there human! Welcome to Vaccumm. The best place for… all your. Umm. Sucking needs…” 

The man wore a smart orange dress shirt and dark tan pants. His height would have been his most noteworthy feature had it not been for his face. His smile was wide, revealing large, slightly crooked teeth that were adorned with large oranges gems. Braces. This cutie pie was wearing braces. The black framed glasses perched upon his nasal bone and framing small black eyes finished off the look which smacked of that of a bookworm. 

He seemed genuinely surprised and pleased to see you in the shop; his enthusiasm only tapering off when he said what you imagine to be the store’s slogan. 

 

You smiled back at him and cleared your throat.

“Hello, I’m in the market for a new vacuum. My old one is dead and I need to pick something up tonight.” You took a few steps closer to the counter

“Splendid, you’ve come to just the right...” He looked a bit troubled as he cut his sentence short. “You mean to buy a vacuum from here. Right now?”

“Yes?” Your reply came out sounding unsure and more like a question. Was it really that odd of a request, wanting to purchase a vacuum in a vacuum store?

The skeleton began to wring his hands in a nervous gesture, clearly not sure how to progress.

“You see. The thing is.” He sighed. “We don’t normally have customers coming into the store looking to buy our vacuums. All of our sales are done within the customer’s home. Vaccumm is a door to door vacuum selling service. We don’t actually have the means to sell anything instore…”

He seemed very anxious about telling you this, unable or unwilling to continue making eye contact as he spoke. Perhaps he thought you’d be mad. You suppose you might be a bit perturbed if you went out of your way to go to a store that appeared to sell vacuums, was called vacuum (sort of) only to find they do not, in fact, sell vacuums. At least this place was on your way home. But sadly, this meant you would probably be unable to start triage on the battleground that was your living room like you had hoped.

He continued before you could reply, perking up slightly. 

“But, my brother is a fantastic salesman whose cliental has nothing but positive things to say about his services. I could give him your address and have him go to your home first thing tomorrow morning?”

It took you a moment to register that he had asked you a question. It was your turn to be a bit nervous. 

“Well, umm. I work during the day and wouldn’t be home for long enough in the morning. If he came over at all it would have to be after 6:30.” As much as you needed a vacuum, the thought of a member of the general public seeing the hate crime that is your living room wasn’t a comforting thought. And buying a vacuum at your door? How does that even work? How are you able to compare products, prices, get a feel for it? It is purchased from a catalogue? If so would you still have to wait for the damn thing to get shipped to you? The more you thought about it, the more it seemed like this wouldn’t work out. You didn’t want to outright tell him no, but you weren’t sure what to say. “It’s just, I don’t know much about vacuums. I thought maybe if I saw them in person...”

“That’s quite alright. We’re the experts here so you don’t have to be! And an evening visit would not be a problem at all! Our services are provided any time of day, any day of the week! We’ll even come to you during the holidays. Our passion is all about getting you the right product to fulfill your needs!”

Wow. It was hard for you to believe there exist people whose customer services around vacuums is that extreme. The smile was back on his face and he had both hands pressed on the counter, his posture leaning towards you. He looked so excited. And you did not want to upset him. Were you actually going to agree to this? On the one hand, it solved the walking a vacuum home predicament. On the other, this whole concept seemed to border on the edge of too much trouble and sketchy. But you’re not getting a bad vibe from this guy at all. He seems so genuine. And he has braces. You can’t name one crook you know who has braces.

You contemplated for a while longer, then hesitantly you nodded your head. “Ok? Umm, yeah. OK. So, you’ll be needing my address then?”

“If you don’t mind!” He pulled out from behind the desk a black book and flipped it open. From where you were standing you could tell the book was filled with many rows of names and addresses. A telltale sign that they clearly had a lot of customers. Reassuring in a way, but still kind of odd. He picked up a pen and met your gaze. “My name is Sugar and it’s very nice to meet you human. May I ask you yours?”

You spelled out your name and gave him your address. Sugar read it all back to you ensuring the information was copied correctly. He finished off by writing that your time of visit tomorrow was to be at 6:45 pm. The skeleton seemed so happy about you agreeing to have his brother come over you wondered if maybe they are on commission.

Sugar waved at you as you made your way out the door. “Thank you so much for stopping by today. Rest assured that my brother will take good care of you tomorrow!”

By the time you left the shop, it had already gotten noticeably darker; the sun long since set over the last of the high-rises. You fiddled with the zipper of your sweater, part of it was stuck along the teeth. You still felt uneasy about the mess continuing its heinous existence for another night, and the idea that Sugar’s brother was going to see it tomorrow wasn’t very appealing. But Sugar seemed so sweet, much like his namesake. Maybe his brother would be similar? At this point, you really didn’t care too much about what kind of vacuum you were getting. You’d take anything. 

“Tomorrow.” You tried to assure yourself. “The chaos that controls my life will be gone, _tomorrow._ ” After far too long you finally got your sweater zipped up to your collar and set out on the journey home. With your back turned to the store you didn’t notice the V and A of the sign had flickered out completely.


	2. Partners in Grime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody knows what's going on until it's too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY! LISTEN! Please mind the new warnings folks. I don't want anyone to not be buckled up for this shitpost ride.

This morning was going by so slooooowly. A snail could beat this morning in a race. The day’s endless cycle of meetings was boring you to tears, and it was hard to keep focused on what was being discussed. The meetings themselves had very little to do with your division, but since you were all working on the same project, you had to be there. At least Sarah, bless her twisted soul, was around to provide a little reprieve from the monotony, as she always does. She would fidget ever so slightly in her chair when a new speaker would take over; her postures and gestures mimicking the mannerisms of the current speaker in a hyperbolic way. At the very least you were mildly entertained.

When the first meeting adjured for a quick recess you both jumped out of your seats and rushed to your cubicle. Sarah dashed head of you to get to your office chair. She spun it around to face you as if she were an evil villain revealing herself, fingers touching in front of her chest. You flicked her nose before settling in on your desk. 

“Ow. That’s workplace assault. I will drag your ass to Randy in HR so fast! Hmm, what an unfortunate name for a human resources manager.” After a brief, silence you both erupted into giggles. “Ok, so what did you want to ask me? I know you were trying to talk earlier right before Drew cussed everyone out. What an ass.” 

“Right? What the hell was that?” You spread your legs wide in a very undignified fashion and leaned back with your arm propped lightly on your computer monitor. Mustering up a crude imitation of Drew’s voice you proclaim “Hey, is this a workspace or a line at the bank? You got time to lean, you got time to clean.”

“You know, I might be more inclined to respect him as our boss if we weren’t doing his work all the time. Or if he would remember my name.” 

You slammed your hands on the desk at your sides, speaking in an overly serious yet dramatic tone. “This office is on fire. It’s succumbing to the flames quicker than they can be quelled. Mass chaos and panic ensue, but an opportunity arises! Drew or Esther? You must save one.”

Sarah snorted loudly. “Technically I’d be long gone since it was I who lit the fire in the first place; weeping over my Communications Degree that I used as kindling, tears of joy flowing forth that finally, my schooling amounted to something with passion…. But I’ll indulge you. Drew.”

“Same. Drew is an idiot, but Esther was an awful human being.” You looked down the office towards the boardroom, glad no one was around to hear two talking. “Hey, speaking of awful human beings, what level of hell would we be going to for joking about our bosses dying in a fire. We should feel bad, right?”

“Do you?”

“A little.”

“Then don’t worry, the most you’ll get is the second ring of hell,” Sarah said in a hushed tone “the good one I might add, and then you’ll eventually be bumped up to purgatory for good behaviour.”

You rolled your eyes and laughed, feeling a little better. “Ok. I want to talk serious real quick. Break’s almost over. First thing; my chesterfield legs. They’re gone. What the fuck did you do?”

“I’m sorry?” 

“The legs of my chesterfield! They were removed and I only just noticed last night. So, the whole thing is laying on the floor, on top of half the mess. It’s going to be like opening Pandora’s box trying to move that thing and seeing what hell springs forth. There is legitimate fear inside of me”

“So, all that’s left to clean is right underneath it? Do you need help moving it?”

You sighed in annoyance. “No. I didn’t get any of it cleaned up. That store I went to, it was not a vacuum store per se.” 

Sarah frowned. “What do you mean not a vacuum store? Isn’t the name vacuum?”

“Supposedly the, I don’t know, ‘company’ sells them, but they do it door to door? I’m guessing the storefront is just a base of operations for like, booking keep and stuff. Someone is going to come to my place after work, and then, I guess I’m going to give him cold hard cash for a vacuum?.”

Sarah threw her head back an laughed. “I’m sorry what year is this? Door to door vacuum salesmen?” She took a moment and cleared her throat. “Hello there! You, average jo, yes you! I’ve got the vacuum of the century right here for you. Yours for only 500 shillings. And, while you’re at it, why not treat yourself to this fine bottle of old-timey Snake Oil? Nyahaha!” Her bad radio announcer voice was cracking you up. 

“Shillings? Really? You know that’s not how they talk in Somalia, right?”

“Take a hike. But seriously.” Sarah pulled herself up from your chair and started walking back to the board room, “Tell me how it goes. It sounds like the intro to some badly directed b-tier porno.”

 

Someone somewhere took mercy on your impatient soul. The days last meeting was cancelled and you were free to resume your servitude back at your cubicle. Carefully climbing on top of your desk you peeked over your shared cubical wall. “Hey, you got any plans tomorrow? I don’t want to watch a movie in theatres but I would love to eat some of their popcorn and frozen yoghurt. I’ll have earned it after cleansing Mother Gia of the gateway to hell. Join me?” Sarah’s computer was already shut down and she was sliding her things into a shoulder bag. “Where are you going? There is still an hour left.”

“I’m taking off early. I have the kids this weekend. I got to get in as much time with them as I can. I’m going to smother those little shits so hard they’ll give me the chair.” 

“Right, it’s that time again. Have fun, but maybe leave the mother out of smother?” Sarah loved her kids more than she loved life, and she had a pretty wild affair going on with life. Always charging into things headfirst, catching feelings at every turn. Her children were the only things that truly grounded her. Especially after the split. 

Sarah and her partner Chris divorced two years ago, and while both were heartbroken and feelings were very hurt, you really respected how well they understood their limitations and handled the whole situation. Playing nice until the kids left home wasn’t an option. Their irritability with each other was quickly turning virulent and malicious. While it was never directed at their children, they weren’t foolish enough to think that the kids wouldn’t get caught in the crossfire, however unintentional. 

Chris made better money and had a better support system. Sarah struggled with mental health and addiction problems through her entire adult life and was estranged from most of her family. In the eyes of the court, Chris was the best candidate to gain custody of the two kids and Sarah agreed. She wanted what was best for them and has never begrudged Chris for getting custody. They were still a family, after all. Their dynamic just changed. 

You smiled despite yourself, but then a thought occurred to you. Something was off…

“Hey! You didn’t bring me my deep fried Mantou as you promised!”

Sarah pretended not to hear you as she escaped down the hall toward the stairwell. 

 

 

The remaining hour was spent at work trying to dig up some information on Vaccumm. You hoped a quick search online would reveal a bit more about the company you were supposedly buying a vacuum from today, but your findings were surprisingly unhelpful. There indeed existed a website for Vaccumm, but it was weird.

The site looked fantastic; sleek, colourful vacuums were well organised on the home page under the company logo. But you couldn’t click on any of them. There was no option to purchase anything online. The ‘Meet the Team’ button was not functional. The only moving parts that seemed to work was on the right side of the page; quotes and testimonies were cycling through one after another. 

‘Buy their vacuums. Just do it.’

‘A huge thank you to Edge for his wonderful salesmanship. He was so helpful and very professional.’ 

‘10/10, would recommend.’ 

‘My life was a mess, luckily Vaccumm was on hand to help clean it up ;)’

‘Prepare yourself for the best vacuum of your life.’

…. What the actual fuck? This is some desperate housewife shit going on. You sat back in your chair, closing your eyes for a brief reprieve from the screen. You’ve seen enough. 

So, the company page looked good and said a lot, but still somehow managed to tell you absolutely nothing. There wasn’t anywhere to go. No links to follow or sections to explore. “This is getting weirder and weirder.” You thought out loud. “Something is up. Should I even answer the door tonight? Pretend I’m not home? Nah, that would be so rude, and Sugar was so sweet. His brother would tell him if I bailed.” 

You motioned to close your web browser when you spotted it.

There was a small bar near the bottom of the page with a prompt above that said: Enter Member Number. Member number? How can you be a member when there is no Login/Sign up option anywhere on the website? To the side of it was a sleek logo; a simple line art silhouette of a human face with plump lips turned up in a shadow of a smile. A Skeletal hand was placed in front, index finger touching the lips in a ‘shhhh’ gesture. Clicking the Go button prompted an “Error, member not found” message.

So this things is functional…“Hmm…. I should probably just ignore this.” You mused out loud, turning off your computer. The traitorous clock on the wall informed you that you still had ten minutes left in your shift. You stood up and gathered your things. “Time to pee on company time.”

 

 

Your route home meant you had to walk right by Vaccumm. You had no intentions to stop in, especially if you wanted to make it home with enough time to change and mentally prepare yourself for what you are sure would be an awkward transaction on your part. 

Only the Stars know what came over you. As you walked by Vaccuum’s large windows and Red door you grasped the doorknob and let yourself in. The chime of a familiar bell rung overhead. 

What the hell are you doing? Why did you come inside? You scolded yourself. Like yesterday, there was no one at the counter when you came it. Good, turn around and go back out. You’re not calling the visit tonight off. You NEED that vacuum. 

Before your body could follow your brains commands, a deep, voice rumbled from behind you. “hey there sunshine. how can i help you today?”

You flinched at his voice. How the hell did you not notice someone standing right behind you? You didn’t see anybody in the window, and you JUST walked in. You turned around and came face to face with yet another skeleton. 

He was nowhere near Sugar’s height; he maybe stood around 5’6”. And he was bulky. Where Sugar was all legs, a slim torso, and sharp angles, this one had broad shoulders and a wider, heavyset frame. His features were rounder too. He had on a pair of dark black dress pants, and a blue dress shirt. The top buttons were undone, and the shirt was untucked. Formal looking, yet still casual. He had a smile on his face but didn’t seem particularly happy.

“Oh, hi, there.” You took two small steps away, trying to calm the nerves you were suddenly feeling. “I was actually looking for Sugar. Is he here?” 

The skeleton cocked his brow bone up at you and gave you a quick look over from head to toe. “sugar, huh?” He enunciated the name slowly. “it’s his day off. can I maybe help you instead?” His vibe wasn’t threatening, just cautious. 

Now that’s a great question. Can he help you? Why are you even in here? “Uh, I had some questions about his brother’s visit, and you know what? I suddenly forgot what I was going to ask. Don’t worry. All is good. I should go now. Sorry to bother you! Bye!” You spoke in a rush as you moved around him to get at the door and back onto the streets. Faster legs, faster! I know sweet babies. I never make you run, but please, hustle for me just this once. You could hear a loud voice coming from back inside the store.

“Brother, who was that just now?”

Home! Home, home, home! Let’s go body. You know the way. 

You switched your brain to autopilot and set off down the street, ignoring that the last voice you heard sounded suspiciously like that of Sugar’s.

You made it to your front door by 6:35. What started out a slow ache in the pit of your stomach now felt like a huge weight on your shoulders, pressing you into the ground. 

Open it, your mind prompted. Open the door and face what you’ve created. 

With a groan, you unearthed the key out of your pocket and let yourself inside, quickly closing the door behind you, as if to protect the sanctity of the rest of the world. 

“You.” You growled out loud as if the mess was its own entity, capable of understanding your smouldering rage. You spoke to it as if it’s previous actions were responsible for the death of your first born child. As if you even had a child. “Tonight, you die. Slowly, painfully… And I will laugh as your existence diminishes with each pass of my new va-AAHH!“ You gasped in horror. “Kitty Baby, no!” There amidst the carnage was a limp, fuzzy, seafoam green arm with a soft white paw. The rest of the body either torn asunder or swallowed up by the wreckage. You couldn’t tell. Dropping to your knees you cried out. “Kitty Baby! You were too beautiful for this world. It should have been me!!” A pathetic undignified wail escaped your lips. “Fuck.”

Theatrics now out of your system, (maybe Sarah was rubbing off on you?) you stood back up, visibly distraught. You were ever so pissed at yourself for letting your childhood stuffy get caught up in whatever the fuck happened that night. “I hope it’s not as bad as it looks. God dammit this is not ok. Why did we let things get so out of hand?”

DING DONG

Eyes wide you looked at the clock on the wall. Your heart dropped. He was early. 

Damn damn damn. Ok. This is fine. You’re just buying a vacuum. Quick and easy. Why are you so nervous? Kitty Baby’s limp paw flashed in your mind. Oh yeah. That’s why. 

Calm down. Breathe. You have money in your bag, maybe you can just throw it at him and grab whatever vacuum he has on hand. That’s a courteous responsible adult-like thing to do, right? He doesn’t even need to come inside. You took three deep breaths, trying to play over what you were going to say in your head. Please don’t be more awkward than normal. 

Aaaaand go! Mustering up your remaining nerves, you opened the door, stepping into the threshold to block the view inside as much as possible. 

“Hi, thank you for making time to come over here so late. My name is.” The thought you had died on your lips the sight of him. 

Holy shit. What a sharp dressed man. His two-piece suit was a beautiful ombre design. Starting out as a light blue at his collar, and seamlessly blending to a deep royal blue at the end of his pant legs. His undershirt was bright white, with a dark blue tie undone and draped lazily around his neck. A black leather belt and dress shoes finished off his look. Overall, he looked similar to the skeleton you saw at Vaccumm today; perhaps a little bit taller. But what set him apart and took your words away was his left eye, glowing a dark, rich crimson under a jagged, gaping wound in his skull. 

Hurt? Is he hurt? No, that makes no sense. Why would he be working if he needed medical attention? Must be an old injury. Is my mouth hanging open? Fuck I hope it’s not. That would be so rude. 

“speechless eh? i get that a lot.” His deep voice snapped you out of your stupor. You could feel Goosebumps spreading down your arms; the sound of his voice apparently hitting that asmr sweet spot you didn’t know you had. Or was it simply nerves? “don’t worry, i’ll just call ya lamb chop. shall we begin?”

His sheer presence was commanding, and before you could register what was happening, he took one long step forward and your body moved aside. 

Lamb Chop? What? Use your words, idiot, he’s trying to get inside. “Hey, so.” Your voice came out hoarse for some reason. After clearing your throat, you tried again. “Look. I’m really, not picky about vacuum cleaners. Honestly, I’ll buy whatever you have on hand to sell. This won’t take much of your time at all. Are they outside? Can we go look? And sorry, what’s your name?”

He paused his movement and cast a sideward glance at you. “whatever i’m selling huh? i’ve never had one play along with the ruse before. cute. alright lamb chop, i’m diggin’ it. and you can call me Axe.” 

Ruse? Wait, did he say his name was Axe? That’s an odd name. You suppose so is Sugar. 

“Axe,” you muttered, testing the name out. “It’s nice to meet you Axe. If we could just- Hey!”

Axe stepped around you and let himself in further into your entryway, eyes wide. “holy shit lamb chop. how many goats were sacrificed here?” He started to chuckle. “i mean, this.” He gestured widely with his hand. “this is crazy. like actually crazy. you really went full hog here to set up a scene. fuck, that cracks me up.” He was full on laughing now. Great. 

Also, he’s not making a ton of sense. ‘Set up a scene?’ Some of your previous nerves were turning into annoyance as you felt heat rush to your face. This whole debacle was embarrassing. This, is exactly what you wanted to avoid. You tried redirecting his focus back on you to get this encounter done an over with. “So.” you spoke with a little more volume than necessary. “It doesn’t take a genius to see why I need to buy a vacuum. Any recommendation? I really don’t care what model. I have cash in my bag.”

He tapered off his laughter and turned to face you. Small tears were glistening in the corners of his eye sockets. 

“eager huh? alright, alright. let’s get this started.” He began to shrug out of his dress suit, stretching his neck from side to side. 

Nope. NOPE. Your clothes are staying on! “There’s really no need to take off your coat. I just want to get this over with quickly. I have a big job ahead of me.”

“really?” He made no effort to stop disrobing; the garment crumpled to the floor at his feet. “and why would you want this over so quickly? after all this effort you put in? i’ve got an idea lamb chop. let’s go see if we can make a mess to rival this one in the bedroom.”

What the actual fuck was happening? Is this a joke? Did Sugar set you up?

Axe started to walk further into your house. You tried to grab his arm, but the sound of a high pitched, ridiculous whine stopped both of you in your tracks. Apparently, Axe had stepped on what you hoped to hell was a Rubber Chicken (you don’t even own one, what the hell?) hiding under the mess, and not the remaining life cries of life of some poor trapped animal, (aww… Kitty Baby). This whole thing was growing more and ridiculous. You could feel tears welling up in your eyes from the embarrassment. 

“i pegged you as someone who likes it rough, lamb chop, but i have a feeling this is going to be weird too.” He had a shit eating grin on his face, his sole red eyelight focused on you. Great. At least one of us is enjoying this. “so, where we doin’ this? and should we bring your little friend along?” 

“Look, Axe, I think you’ve misunderstood, I’m not sure what your brother t-” Axe reached out and pulled your body towards him, one hand placed firmly on your lower back, holding you fast, the other coming up to lightly scratch the top of your head. The scratching would have felt nice if it wasn’t overshadowed by your extreme discomfort. 

“are you playing with me, lamb chop? cause playing with your food, now that’s my shtick.” You could feel his deep chuckle reverberating from his chest to yours. He continued. “i know you’re the consumer here, but i could just eat. you. right. up.”

This is wrong. This is SO wrong. How the hell did you go from trying to buy a vacuum to rid your household of all evidence of your sins, to being pressed into the arms of some stranger, who you now realize is propositioning you for sex? He thinks you want to fuck him? He wants to fuck you?

Oh Sarah will die when she finds out.

You struggled against him, trying to wiggle out of his firm grip. “Hey. Stop! I agreed to have you come here under the notion that I was buying a vacuum cleaner! That is clearly not on the table anymore. The door is there good sir!” You tried to point awkwardly towards the door, your struggling now becoming frantic.

“i don’t mind your little roleplay, lamb chop,” The hand holding your back moved down to give your ass a firm squeeze. The one previously scratching your head now gripping your hair firmly by the roots, forcing your face towards his. He leaned down and pressed his forehead to yours. “it’s cute even, but you can drop the act now.” Axe ground his pelvis against yours and opened his mouth in a gesture you were sure was meant be a kiss. 

The friction would have felt good. The heat rising to your face welcome. The sweet pain mixing with pleasure from the tugging of your hair would have been so fucking sweet. Exactly what you’ve been craving. A pity. This is kind of attention is so far up your alley. Under better circumstances, you’d want to hear him say it all again in that deep, raspy voice of his. You recognize your body’s reaction to this treatment, and you’re not ashamed that a part of you might want it.

But not now. 

Not here. 

Not like this.

With all your might, you wrenched your whole body to the side, loosening Axe’s grip of you, quickly stepping back and away from him. 

Axe didn’t rush to grab you, he stood there, shocked.

You steeled your composure and tried to speak as loudly and clearly as you could, forcing yourself to maintain eye contact. You really hoped that you’d sound tougher than you felt. 

“Stop! Axe, I need you to stop and hear what I’m saying. I do not want this! I don’t want you here. Whatever it is that’s going on, it ends now. Please leave my house right now, or I will call the cops.”

Thank the stars above, he was backing off. Axe leaned down to swipe up his dress shirt and flung it over his shoulder. His whole dispositions changed. His eyelight was out, and he kept looking between you and the floor. His shoulders were hunched forward, trying to make his posture look as small as possible. The gravity of the situation, it seems, had finally dawned on him. After a very tense moment, he spoke up, his voice softer than you’d heard it this entire time. 

“listen, uh.” He spoke your name softly as if he was unsure he had permission to even say it. “i’m so sorry for all of this. and for scaring ya. that was never my intention. i’m gonna leave now, ok?” He pulled a business card out of his back pocket and set it down on the small vanity stand by your door. “call this number if you want some answers. i think you deserve that.” 

You wrapped your arms around yourself and gave a tense nod. 

Axe let himself out the still open door, closing it softly behind him. 

You don’t remember when the tears started rolling down your face, or when you allowed yourself to lay down in the horror that started you down this whole road. Absentmindedly you reached up towards Kitty Baby’s paw, scrambling to grasp the fuzzy appendage, hoping the vessel of your love and affection was still intact. 

It in fact, was now a severed cat paw…

You started to chuckle, and that grew into a laugh. You laughed hard. And you didn’t stop. You laughed at your nerves. You laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. You laughed because you were laying in that fucking, mess. You laughed at what Sarah would say when you told her all about this. You laughed at her previous comment about the porno. At some point, your laughter only continued because it was amusing that you were still laughing, and couldn’t stop. You felt something viscous and sticky adhere to your back, and that just sent you even further over the edge; your laughter sounding more and more maniacal. 

You only ended up laugh-crying for a few minutes, your body growing weak from the effort needed to keep it up. It died out with a few pathetic giggles. But, you felt better. And had a plan.

You picked yourself off the floor, wiping your eyes. Double checking that you had your house keys, phone, wallet, and that card Axe left behind, you set off down the street towards Vaccumm, blissfully unaware of the syrup, feathers and scraps of paper now stuck to the back of your sweater. 

 

 

It only occurred to you halfway into your walk that you didn’t know the store hours and heading back there on a whim might be fruitless. They could be closed. Oh well, the road to hell and all that. But it would be a shame if they were closed; you were feeling bold now, and who knows how long that would last?

The entire way over you tried to rehearse in your head what you wanted to say. You wanted to speak to someone who could just verify that you had in fact, been put on a list for an escort-type service. You needed to hear that out loud; from a third-party source. For someone to say “Yes, you’re not in fact, crazy. We thought you wanted to pay someone to show up at your door and fuck you, under the veil of selling you a god damn vacuum. This has been a misunderstanding from all ends. So sorry about that!”

When you reached Vaccum the lights were on and you were happy to find the door was still unlocked. Here we go. 

You stepped inside and made your way up to counter before calling out “Hello?” 

You could hear footsteps shuffling from behind the door, and a couple of low voices murmuring. The same skeleton you saw in here earlier today peeked his head out from the doorframe; he appeared to be talking into a cellphone. While you couldn’t hear his conversation clearly, it sounded like he said something along the lines of ‘she’s in the store. I’ll call you back’ He closed his flip phone and came out to the storefront, walking around the counter to stand closer to you. There was a smile on his face, but it was strained, eyes pressed up in worry.

You both stood in silence for a moment. He was the first to break it with a long sigh. “it’s hard to know where to start things off. i guess i’ll start with good evening?” He stood a few paces away from you and held out his hand. It seemed he was giving you the option of keeping your distance. “my name is comic. your is, uhhh…” He thought for a moment before speaking; your name sounded more like a question than a statement of fact. 

You nodded and closed the gap between you, taking his hand in yours and shaking it. “Yes, that’s right.” 

“let me just say how very sorry i am about tonight’s incident. something like that should never have happened, and i feel terrible that it fell through the cracks as it did, and that things ended up with you getting hurt. i imagine you have some questions, but may I ask how you’re holding up?”

“Pretty well actually, all things considered. I’m riding that post-meltdown high.” You snickered but Comic didn’t seem to find it funny. “And you’re right. I do have some questions.” All the time you spent on the way over thinking about what to ask did nothing. You can’t seem to keep your thoughts together. Comic didn’t say anything, instead, he leaned back against the counter, waiting patiently for you to gather your thoughts. “I’m just going to come out and ask it. What the fuck is this place? You don’t sell vacuums, do you?”

Comic didn’t respond right away. “it’s a… family business. look this complicates things. normally we don’t pass around this information all willy-nilly, but i think there is a clear need for an exception here. we don’t in fact sell vacuums. or anything material. that’s just a façade to hide behind.” He scratched the back of his head awkwardly and looked away from you. “simply put, we sell sex.” Comic glanced your way to gauge your reaction. 

Honestly, you felt so much better to hear that out loud. It was still absurd, but also reassuring to know Axe didn’t mean you any harm. He was at your place to do what he thought was another job. 

“i want you to know we’re not going to make excuses for what happened tonight. it was unacceptable and the way we run things here is gonna change for the better because of tonight, but i hope we can settle this without pressing charges.”

You put up your hands in a placating gesture. “Rest assured I’m not looking to press charges. I wasn’t hurt or anything. Just, a little scared maybe.” You smiled slightly, amused by your next question. “Comic, I’ve got to ask, you DO know this whole thing ridiculous, right? Your company that is. Sending fuck boys to your door? I thought selling vacuums door to door was weird, but man, this tops it. Or bottoms. I guess it depends on the mood.”

Comic’s laugh was short and loud and took away any remaining tension in the room. 

“hell, i know the whole things is 50 shades of fucked up; but it’s a job. the bosses could tell you more about it.” Comic’s smile seemed bigger now, no longer strained. “i’m sorry tonight was such a sucky situation.” 

You chuckled lightly, suddenly very happy you decided to come over instead of staying at home to try and process everything by yourself. This was going well. “That’s ok, it’s the risk you run when doing business with hose.”

“ouch, sunshine. that cuts deep. but we deserve that one.” Comic looked relaxed now. It seemed this train wreck didn’t crash and burn as bad as it could have. 

“One more question”

“shoot” 

“Is Axe around?”

You saw Comic’s shoulder tense slightly. His smile faltered, still present but not so jovial. He was reluctant to answer. “yes. he should still be here.”

“Can you get him for me? I’d like to talk.”

It was obvious Comic was slightly uncomfortable with you wanting to see Axe, but he disappeared behind the door none the less to fetch him for you. Good. You were determined to see this through. You waited for quite a while, which really didn’t surprise you. If you were in his shoes you’d probably want to crawl into a deep, dark hole somewhere. 

When Axe finally did emerge, he was wearing different clothes. His smart suit and tie having been traded in for a white shirt and track shorts, with a bulky, blue unzipped hoodie. Apparently, there was something very interesting on the ground at his feet, because he would not look away from it. You noticed that Comic didn’t leave the room. 

“Hi Axe.” 

He simply grunted in response, a soft red tinge slowly appearing on his face. Is that a blush? He clearly feels awful. 

“Listen, I want to start off by saying I’m not here to chew your head off. I just want to talk. Alone?” You turned your gaze to Comic.

This was enough for Axe to look up at you, but his body language was still that of a kicked puppy. Comic shook his head and made no move to leave. OK, new idea.

“I know you’re probably not in the mood, and feel free to say no, but do you wanna get out of here? I’ll buy you a drink. It looks like you could use one.”

Axe looked at you like you were the one with a giant hole in your head. “are you for real? You want to get a drink with me?”

“Is that a no?”

Axe looked over to Comic who just shrugged. “alright, how does grillbys sound?”

 

Axe was clearly nervous the entire walk over. But to be fair, so were you. Neither of you spoke as you followed him to Grillby’s bar. It was a Monster establishment that you’ve been to a couple of times before and put you closer to your house. Sarah said they had strong drinks. You planned to investigate that. But only a little.

The night was a cold one and you were grateful when you finally made it inside. 

Axe didn’t hesitate to head over to the bar, looking back at you as he asked, “sitting over at the bar ok?”

“Fine by me.” You both perched yourselves atop the spiny bar stools. A gorgeous bright yellow fire monster with cyan highlights in his flames came by to take your drink orders. His black fish-netting sleeves under a sleek black vest painted a beautiful picture. “Hi there. Two shots of something strong, please.” 

You heard Axe snicker as Grillby set down two shot glasses on the rubber mat in front of you, and pulled a deep red bottle out from behind the bar, filling your two glasses. “Alright Axe, the first one is on me, ok?”

“oh? implying there will be more to come?”

Well, I sure hope so.

“If I play my cards right.” You grabbed one of the shot glasses and raised it in the air. “To misunderstandings.”

Axe threw his head back and laughed, drawing the attention of some nearby patrons. 

“i’ll drink the whole god damn bar to that.” He clicked his glass against yours and took the shot. 

You had no clue what Grillby served you, but it immediately made your insides feel warm, and your head feel fuzzy. Woo, won’t be having too many of those.

Axe spoke up after finishing off his shot. “please, fill me in on why you invited me out tonight for drinks. i figure i’m the last guy on the surface you’d want to be around. especially after what i did to you.” Axe motioned Grillby over, indicating he’d like another round of shots. 

You shrugged. “This whole thing was so surreal, I figured this might help take the edge off. And, if it’s ok, I wanted to talk to you about some things.”

“in that case.” Axe held up his newly poured drink to the side of if his head, “i’m all ears.”

Axe offered to buy you a drink that wasn’t a shot. He ordered a bottle of ketchup for himself and a Ceasar, extra hot sauce for you. The look he gave you must have mirrored yours. As if you were the weirdo that ordered a condiment. 

“what the fuck kind of drink needs hot sauce?”

“What the fuck kind of person drinks ketchup?”

The laughter between you was light and came easy. Both of you poking fun at each other felt natural. Like you were with an old friend. The drinks probably having something to do with that. And you were touched when Axe asked Grillby to bring you a glass of water. 

“best to pace yourself and stay hydrated. don’t want nothing bad happening to you lamb chop. uhh..” Axe trailed off in discomfort, shoulders tensing up from accidentally using that same pet name as before. He scanned your face looking for any signs you weren’t ok with his slip up. “s-sorry about that, i-.”

It’s hard to believe this is the same guy that reduced you to a pile of tears back at home just a couple hours ago. 

“Axe.” You leaned over and nudged his side. “Lamb Chop is fine. You can be my Mary.” 

He sighed in relief. “heh. mary it is, lamb chop.” His smile was back in full force. 

You took another sip of your drink and pulled out the card Axe left at your place, holding it up between two fingers. It had the same logo as the one you saw on the website. On the reverse side was a number printed in elegant scrawl, and nothing else. 

“Hey, what’s this? Is it your business card?”

He glanced over before taking another swig of his… drink. “nah, that’s the number that puts you directly in touch with the big guys. the bosses who run the joint. the guys who will be responsible for fixing my fuck up. not many people ever get to know that number. that card is not really meant to be spread around.”

“So why give it to me then?”

Axe’s smile grew sadder as he glowered down at the bar, playing with the empty shot glass on top of the counter. “i was conflicted. on the one hand, i wanted to stick around and make sure you were going to be ok. you looked so scared. i thought you probably shouldn’t be alone. and that you might have questions needing answers, but i knew my company wasn’t going to help you in that moment. it would just make things worse. it was shocking how quickly everything got away from me. your place was supposed to be my last to service at the end of a long day. get in, make you feel good, get paid, get out. and then it all went to shit. i wanted to get outta your hair quickly, but it felt wrong to leave you with no way of reaching out for help, or even a way to vent afterwards.” Axe shifted in his seat to better face you. “i mean, obviously, you could just come back to the store. and you did, which was surprising. but i thought at the very least i could try and put some power back in your hands. as shitty of an attempt as it was.”

Wow. Axe really was a decent person. Your mind was made up. Stars help you, you were really going to ask him to do it. “If it’s any consolation, I’m sorry too.”

“hey, you have nothing to be apologising for lamb chop.”

You cut him off, “Ok, that’s fine. It still doesn’t change the fact that I feel bad about the whole thing. You’re not actually a despicable creep who tried to molest me. I’m sure you feel horrible about everything that happened, and you’re probably still beating yourself up inside.”

Axe huffed. “no arguments there, i do feel like an asshole.”

“Which leads me to my next point” you interjected. “I have a proposal to make you.” You took this opportunity to slowly finish your drink, letting his curiosity build, and trying to push away the fear inside you that was rearing its ugly head. His eyes never left you. “I will forget this whole thing ever happened, and all will be forgiven, if …you clean my living room.” 

The conversation died. Surprise clear as day on Axe’s face. 

You were relieved when he started laughing. “fuck lamb chop, I don’t think there’s enough money in the world to make me want to clean that shit show ya got at your place. 

“I’m not offering you money, Axe.”

“i know, i know,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “i’d be doing it for free. and it’s really the least i can do to make up for--" 

“I’m offering to fuck you in return.”

Axe’s eyelight went out and that familiar red hue crept up on to his face. The poor guy could only stutter; unable to form real words. He turned his head way away, refusing to make eye contact until he could form a coherent sentence. 

“th-this is some kinda joke, right? your just messin’ with me? How could you possibly even think about offering something like that after tonight? ”

Some of your resolve was escaping you. Your stomach clenched with embarrassment at his rejection. And his question was so valid. 

How COULD you even consider sleeping with him now, after what transpired? Attractiveness aside, what the hell was wrong with you? Nothing about this is normal. You are not normal. Leave, just leave. He’s obviously going to say no, stupid. What were you thinking? 

You tried to play it cool and uncaring, hoping the blush creeping up on your face wasn’t as noticeable as it felt. 

“It’s not a joke, but I won’t force you into anything. If the terms are not agreeable to you, I’ll call this number tomorrow and work something out with your bosses.” You pulled out a 20-dollar bill from your wallet and left it on the bar before slipping out of your seat. “Thanks for the drinks Mary. I appreciate you coming here with me. I hope you have a good night.” 

Please, my darlings, I know I’m asking a lot of you lately, but please legs, run for me again. 

“wait.” 

You stopped mid-stride and turned back around. His back was still to you. 

“are you sure that’s what you want…?” Axe used your name again. It sounded nice coming from him, hearing it in that deep, growly voice, but admittedly you were growing rather fond of the nickname he gave you. 

Fuck, he must be able to hear your heartbeat. It was so loud. Every nerve in your body was on fire, skin prickling when he spoke your name. After a long moment, you answered him. “Yes, Axe. That’s what I want.”

Slowly he slipped off his bar stool and closed the distance between you. Expression grave. “i’ve got one really important question lamb chop. and it’s critical that you answer me honestly.” 

Oh no. He looks so serious. Maybe this was a bad idea. All you could manage was a curt nod. 

“i know you’re fond of that rubber chicken, but can we make it just the two of us?” Axe winked, expression turning lecherous.

You cried for the second time that day, body doubled over in laughter and tears spilling freely. Axe laughed alongside you. This felt right. And it didn’t hurt that he had a nice laugh. A couple of bird (duck?) monsters got off their seats to move away from the commotion, giving you some wicked side eye as they passed. You didn’t care. You were so far beyond caring. “I’ll send him pics afterwards. Smooth over the rejection. But listen, I’m serious about the living room thing. You’ve seen too much. I can’t let you live while it still remains. You have to make it disappear.” You put your fingers up to your temple in the shape of a gun, pretending to pull the trigger on your last word. 

“i know how being guilty by association plays out lamb chop. i’ll hide the body, but i want no other part in this. we cut all contact once the deed is done.” 

“Oh no no no, there’s no getting out of it Axe.” You tone turned serious. “My sins are now your sins. We’re in this together.” You reached over to cup either side of his head in your hands, ensuring your unblinking eyes made uncomfortable amounts of eye contact. “Partners in grime, if you will.”

“all right, i’ll get the job done,” Axe wrapped his arm around your shoulder, leaning into your ear. “but I want a cut of all future jobs.”

You let out a deep sigh, the last remaining fears slipping away. You were smiling so wide your cheeks were beginning to feel sore. “Last question of the night before I go home my skeletal friend.”

“go for it.”

“What, and or who, are you doing tomorrow?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to everyone who has read this far.
> 
> It's sad to think there is only one chapter left, BUT, it will not be the end of Undersell. More details will come at the end of chapter 3.
> 
> And again folks, which skeleton(s?) would you want to see at your doorstep, peddling vacuum cleaners?
> 
> *Hi Guys! Did you enjoy the premise that Undersell has to offer? Wanna see more? Head over to our discord server!
> 
>  
> 
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> 
> [Please come see us!](https://discord.gg/DG8tZw)
> 
>  
> 
> ~ASeaChelle


	3. Mary Had a Little Lamb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things get cleaned. And others get dirty.

“No wait! It still hasn’t sunk in! My brain cannot process it all. Say it again. I _need_ to hear this.”

“I’ve already said it three times, let me move on.” You were lying on your bed with your legs stretched in the air, your feet moving side to side like windshield wipers and your head settling onto your pillows. You had since grabbed the remaining ones out of your guest bedroom so you could have a decent sleep. My story is almost done.”

You texted Sarah that morning asking if she would be free for a phone call today. Your window of opportunity presented itself right then and there since her kids were curled up on the chesterfield occupied with watching Saturday morning cartoons. Sarah rang you up saying she was free to talk, but to make it quick – Power Puff Girls would be on in a half hour. 

Only five minutes into your retelling of the last 24 hours and she had completely forgotten about her favourite childhood show, moving to the kitchen to safely lose her shit away from the kids. She demanded the full uncensored version. 

“Please, just one more time.”

You sighed in fake annoyance; secretly you were loving this. You’d been giddy ever since you left Grillby’s last night. Even opening your front door to reveal the Dungeon of Detritus didn’t bring you down. You had scarcely registered its existence, making your way up to your room with a bounce in your step. 

“Fiiiine. But it’s the last time. ‘I know you’re fond of that rubber chicken, but can we make it just the two of us?”

Sarah burst out laughing again. “How did that even get there? I don’t remember a rubber chicken ever making an appearance that night?” 

“There were a lot of things that showed up that shouldn’t have,” you mused quietly into the receiver. Talking of course about Kitty Baby, rest her perfect soul. “Have to remember to ask Axe to look for all her pieces.”

At some point, Sarah had started coughing on the other end. You moved the phone away from your ear. 

“Sorry, what was that last part?”

“Oh, nothing. I’m just being sentimental. So, basically, he agrees to clean the place up and to sleep with me, and then I ask what he’s doing tomorrow, which is now today.”

“Is he going to come over?”

“Yes, in the afternoon. He has one client later this morning.”

“Doesn’t that bug you? Him sleeping with somebody else today?”

“No? Why should it? I learned first-hand in _very_ physical detail what his job entails. It’s not like it’s a surprise that low and beholds, it’s _still_ his job, and it is _still_ fucking people.”

“I guess I’m just shocked is all. Figured you might be jealous. Plus, I never saw you being the type to hire a hooker for sex.”

“For cleaning,” you corrected. “I hired a hooker for _cleaning_.” I’m paying the hooker with sex. And jealous? Of what? He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Yeah, you’re right. You’re too pragmatic to be jealous of a man you met a day ago. Say, does paying for something with sex, instead of paying for sex with something make you a reverse hooker?”

“Ah, I, what? What you’ve said makes _zero _sense. I’m pretty sure a reverse hooker is just a John.”__

__“Yeah, that seems right. Ok, one more question. You said he’s a skeleton monster. How does one go about the skeletal coitus?”_ _

__“I don’t know, but once I do, you’ll be the second to know. Or maybe millionth? I’m pretty sure these guys do well for themselves if their website reviews are anything to go by.” You were tired of swinging your feet in the air. Your legs plopped down on the bed and bounced with a satisfying thud._ _

__“I’ll be waiting with bated breath, my love!”_ _

__“Alright, tell the kids hi from me. Talk to you tomorrow Sarah. Bye.”_ _

__“Don’t forget to sit on his fa-”_ _

__You flipped your phone shut and snorted. As if you need to be told where to sit._ _

__

__The morning seemed surreal. Monotonous things like brushing your teeth and showering felt thrilling; like every piece of your day was pushing you one step closer to what you were really hoping would be a fun afternoon. Your pessimistic side would try reminding you that your time with Axe today might be terrible. What if your performance is disappointing? What if it’s just not fun? What if jumping straight to sex ruins the chance at a good friendship you are certain you could have? What if you’re suuuuuper awkward?_ _

__Enough!_ _

__That’s enough out of you, brain, you chide yourself. What if it’s awkward? It can’t _POSSIBLY_ be more awkward than what happened yesterday. _ _

__Axe’s smug grin and sexy, teasing words are what you try to force your brain think about when your mind wades through those recent memories... Thinking about the rest of it makes you want to scream into a pillow it’s so cringy._ _

__You made your way downstairs and opened the broom closet unearthing what cleaning supplies you own, making a pile of them in the corner of the living room that had somehow remained nightmare free. After all was said and done, you still didn’t have a vacuum cleaner, but Axe assured you he could borrow the one used to clean the store and you had offered up the use of anything else you had at home. What was once a heavy cloud looming over you at the thought of cleaning the outlandish mess now dissipated. The whole thing was bugging you less since it was going to get cleaned up and you didn’t even have to lift a finger._ _

__You glanced over at the busted vacuum that you haven’t gotten around to tossing. A thought sprung to mind making you giggle; maybe you could donate it to Vaccumm to put on display? Give it a new lease on life. Might have to lose the duct tape though. Lest somebody see through their clever veneer._ _

__You thought about making breakfast, but decided against it, feeling too nervous to eat anything big. Even the tea you started boiling water for was more to keep your hands moving and your mind occupied than to quench a thirst. And oh were you ever ‘thirsty.’_ _

__When the water was ready you prepared a mug, and sat at the kitchen table, enjoying the view out the window. They neighbouring yards had lots of big trees; they were gorgeous this time of year. And there was something about the maple tree leaves and their deep, familiar red that was making your chest feel tingly. You began fidgeting in your seat; a calm, relaxing morning was obviously not going to happen. Oh boy. How are you going to keep from going insane for two more hours?_ _

__Laundry? It would be a start. Mug in tow you set forth to the stairway to change the sheets in your room and tidy it up a bit. Despite having a laundry hamper, most of your clothes just ended up on the floor at your feet at the end of the day. You got the feeling that Axe wouldn’t judge you for the state of your room, but you’ve always been your harshest critic. YOU would judge._ _

__Music! This task needs some music. “Skudworth, play me a song!” you shouted as you turned him on and connected to your Bluetooth speakers. Skudworth was the name of your phone. It’s been a running gag amongst your friends that your phone is an entity that knows all your secrets, has dirt on you, blackmail photos. You’ve basically personified your phone for the sake of your amusement. “Aaaand shuffle.”_ _

__A familiar beat played in the air giving you a bounce in your step as you pulled off the fitted bed sheets in one hand, snapping to the beat with your other._ _

___Your two eyes follow like a spotlight_  
Two eyes like the sun  
Go ahead, keep your distance from me  
Soon you’re gonna come 

__With your sheets balled up in your arms, you twirled and moved your hips to the music, a very exaggerated swagger forming in your step as the chorus rang out._ _

___You can be cool, you can be shy_  
Say what you want, say what you like  
Cause ooh, your body talks, your body talks.  
Ooh ooh, your body talks 

__Music and chores, the perfect distraction. You now had fresh sheets on your bed, old sheets in the wash. All the clothes that littered the floor were picked up and chucked in the hamper, making your room look a little more presentable. You moved your efforts to the on suite bathroom, might as well be productive since you have the energy to spare._ _

__Song after song played, with you skipping over the slow or sad ones. Before long your room looked more presentable than it had in a while. With a deep, accomplished sigh you let your body collapse backwards on the bed. Your excited nerves were starting to become nervous nerves as the clocked ticked closer to one._ _

__Dreadful thoughts began to creep back into your head. What if the client Axe is with right now is so much better than you? What if you don’t know what to do with his body? Fuck you DON’T know what to do with his body! There is no way you’ll be any good._ _

__You were so deep in contemplation that the buzz of Skudworth on the dresser by your head made you yelp. You grabbed him and paused the music, noting that you had a new text from Sarah._ _

__S: It’s almost time. Have fun ok? And try to have some confidence. Don’t do that thing where you get in your head and come down on yourself. You are ok. Say it out loud. Muah._ _

__Aww Sarah. “Best friend of the year ladies and gentle people.” You pressed Skudworth up to your forehead and smiled. “I am ok.”_ _

__

__DING DONG_ _

__I’m not ok I’m not ok I’mnotok!!! Shit. Fuck. You scrambled out of bed and down the stairs, leaping over The Mess™ to get to the door quicker. Every nerve in your body was freaking out. Breath, you’re ok._ _

__As you reached for the doorknob, a feeling of de ja vu came over you. “Round two,” you murmured under your breath swinging the door open._ _

__Your mind expected to see Axe in his dress suit again, especially if he had come straight from a previous client. But there he was, in tan khaki shorts and a white t-shirt. Probably clothes he wouldn’t mind burning after clearing your living room. Good choice._ _

__“Hi Axe, come on in” you stepped aside, motioning Axe into the room with your arm._ _

__He followed your order and stepped inside. Meeting your gaze with a toothy grin. “good afternoon lamb chop. how are ya doing’ today?”_ _

__You took a deep breath. “I’m… ok.” And it was true. “So, are you ready to get your hands dirty?”_ _

__“as ready as i’ll ever be. the sooner this nightmare is over, the sooner i can get my hands _really_ dirty.” He gave you a wink and a head nod. _ _

__“Down boy.” You walked over to the cleaning supplies you previously laid out. “Everything here is at your disposal. Hmm. No vacuum?”_ _

__“i’ll grab that when i’m ready for it. i really don’t know how long this going to take me. i’d rather not waste any time.” To Axe’s credit, he came with a solid plan of attack. “first things first; salvaging what can be salvaged. do you have a bin or box that i can put things in if i think they’re important or can be fixed? most of this looks like trash but if there is anything i’m unsure about i’ll put it aside.”_ _

__“Yeah, give me a minute. I’ll go find something.” You left to grab an empty box from storage upstairs and when you came back down you gasped at the sight of your living room. Hundreds of pieces of torn paper, broken glass, feathers and stars know what else was suspended in the air with a light blue aura surrounding them. Sans was wading through it all looking for something. “Woah, this is your magic? That’s so cool.”_ _

__“huh? oh, yeah, there is no way in hell i’m bending down to pick this shit up piece by piece. forget my goat comment earlier; what did these poor birds do to piss you off so bad you wiped out the entire flock?”_ _

__You kicked the ground with your foot. “It’s from pillows, and that’s all you’re getting out of me.”_ _

__“a pillow fight eh? ya know, they say when you’re having a pillow fight it’s best to just _sleep_ on it._ _

__….. What? Axe has this expectant look on his face, what are you missi-ooooh. Booo. “I’d laugh but I don’t want to encourage you.”_ _

__“aww common lamb chop.”_ _

__“Nope. Here’s a box.”_ _

__“great you can just set it down where ever.” Axe opened one of the big black garbage bags you had set aside and began to funnel the scraps into it._ _

__You can’t help but think how much lazier you’d be if you could wield magic. “Oh, hey! Hold up!” What looked to be Kitty Baby’s tail was floating towards the mouth of the bag. “If you see any pieces of fabric like that one there can you put them in that box?”_ _

__Axe gave you a questioning look. Tentatively snagging Kitty Baby’s severed tail from the air. “you mean like this?”_ _

__You nodded in confirmation._ _

__“alright lamb chop, i’ll keep an eye socket out.” Axe resumed his cleaning and used his magic to move the tail over the box, letting it fall inside. When he noticed you were still watching him, he gave you a quizzical look. “don’t feel like you need to stick around on my account, lamb chop. you can go about the rest of your day. read a book; take a nap. that’s what i like to do with my free time.”_ _

__“Oh, I’m sorry. Does it bother you? I was thinking of hanging around and maybe chatting, but I can leave.”_ _

__“that’s fine with me. i can’t say i’ll be all that entertaining to watch though. the real show doesn’t start until later,” he said with a sly wink. “but, it’s your house. you can do what you want.”_ _

__You laughed at his implications. “I’ll be sure to stay out of your way until then.” For a while you didn’t say much of anything; too enthralled with watching Axe’s magic at work. At one point, when Axe found the rubber chicken, he asked what you wanted to be done with it. “Please, get rid of it. It’s not mine and I don’t care to keep it around as a reminder.”_ _

__Axe nodded his head knowingly._ _

__You spent your time perched in the one reclining chair you owned that had since been moved out of the danger zone, giving a terse answer about the fate of any of the item Axe dug up._ _

__“well, time to move that couch of yours and see what springs free.” Axe took a step towards it, rolling his shoulder blades back in an attempt to loosen them. “say, don’t couches usually come with legs?”_ _

__You sprung up from your chair, ignoring his question. “I can help move it.”_ _

__“nah, it’s all good lamb chop, i got it.” He dismissed you with a wave of his hand, and soon the chesterfield was enveloped in the vivid blue of his magic. It looked so surreal; blue smoke pulsed around the chesterfield like it was a heartbeat. Flashing a brilliant blue one second, then diluting into a softer tone the next, and back again. You wondered how it might feel to have that magic all over your body, lifting you up into the air…_ _

__A surprised yelp from Axe snapped you back to reality._ _

__“Are you ok? What happened?” Your attention moved from him to the couch, and then you saw it. The severed head of Kitty Baby._ _

__“uh, nothing just wasn’t expecting to see a cat head is all.” Within seconds, blue magic surrounded the head and it was moved into the box. Axe then set the entire chesterfield against the far back wall, unearthing the remaining floor space that needed to be sorted._ _

__“so... what’s with the cat?”_ _

__You sighed, looking down at your feet. “I’ve had Kitty Baby since I was a kid. She was my favourite stuffed animal, and even when I grew up I kept her around. I know that it might sound childish, but she’s very important to me. Which is why I’m so pissed that she somehow got decimated that night. I don’t even remember grabbing her.” You plopped back down into the recliner, bringing your knees up to your nose and curling up as small as you could. “I’m no seamstress. I can’t really sew at all, but I thought if I had all the pieces I’d try and fix her.”_ _

__Axe didn’t respond right away. He looked reflective. “cats have nine lives, right lamb chop? once kitty baby is back together she’ll shrug this off like it was nothing.”_ _

__Your cheeks flushed but they were thankfully hidden behind your legs. Axe was so sweet, rolling with it and not picking fun at your sentimentality. “Thank you again for doing this Axe, I really appreciate it.”_ _

__“which part are you thanking me for? might wanna take back that pre-emptive thank you when the day is finally done.” Ah, the shit-eating grin often plastered on his face. You’re beginning to know it well. There was no denying it, smug was a good look on this handsome bastard._ _

__“I’m thanking you for this,” you gestured with your hand, “I guess the jury is still out on the rest of the afternoon. So, how was…” The thought died on your lips. Work? Were you going to ask him about work? Idiot, do you even _want_ to know the details? Get it together dummy. As casually as you could, you tried to segue your question a different route. “ _is_ your brother doing? He seemed like a really sweet guy when I talked to him.”_ _

__Axe paused his cleaning, a brooding look crossed his face. Shit, did Sugar get in trouble too? Your stomach began to turn, feeling sick at the idea of Sugar being reprimanded for yesterday. No one person was at fault, and you’d feel awful if there were serious repercussions for either skeleton._ _

__After a long moment of silence, Axe’s ever-present smile grew gentler and the tension in his brow bones softened. “he’s doing ok. i’m glad he wasn’t at the shop last night. things had a chance to cool down before the bosses talked to him. he does feel bad about everything, though. knowing him he’ll be jumping for the chance to make it up to you. ”_ _

__That thought was touching and you felt your heart swell for the sweet tall skeleton, but it was overshadowed with worry. You were almost too scared to ask. “Is, he… or you for that matter, in trouble?”_ _

__“nah, not really. not the kind to lose sleep over, anyways. and the bosses have always been softer to him. if i was to get a strip torn out of me, his equivalent would be a peck on the cheek.” You heard Axe mumble under his breath, “those asses are suckers for his baking.”_ _

__You sighed in relief. “So which one is older? Do you have any more siblings?”_ _

__Axe was using a plastic card he had pulled from his wallet to scrape what looked like candle wax off the coffee table. “just got the one sibling. he’s my baby bro, and if you were anybody else,” Axe’s demeanour grew dark. He halted scraping the table and turned to face you, head hung low and eyes looking straight into yours. His grin was menacing; down-right ominous. His left eye flared up, lighting his face in a way that was different than the soft blush you’ve seen before. What looked like dark red smoke was flowing out from the wound in his head. This just _screamed_ danger. “i’d threaten to wipe you from existence if you hurt him in _any_ way. your family would mourn you in an empty casket because…” Axe’s eye light went out. “…there would be no pieces left to find.”_ _

__Oh dear. Your nails were dug into the fabric of the chair, back pressed as far into it as you could go._ _

__“but, given the circumstances,” Axe stoop up tall, shoulder going lax; the atmosphere shifting in the blink of an eye, “i don’t think that’s necessary.” He gave you a toothy grin. “i got a good feeling about you, lamb chop.”_ _

__“Umm… you kind of just DID threaten me, but indirectly.”_ _

__Axe just snapped you a finger gun as he proceeded to finish cleaning the coffee table._ _

__Well, that was weird. And for a moment creepy as fuck. You continued to watch Axe work, he seemed totally at ease, a completely different monster from the one you saw a moment ago. Like it never even happened._ _

__“So…” you were still curious about Axe and wanted to learn more, and it SEEMED like things were back to normal. “When did you start working for Vaccumm?” You hoped the question wasn’t too invasive._ _

__Axe sighed._ _

__“I’m sorry! I’m being stupid, you’re busy and I’m distracting you. You don’t have to answer anything! I’ll leav-“_ _

__“hey, hey! it’s alright.” Axe cut you off. “stop worrying yourself.”_ _

__“Are you sure I shouldn’t just go? I feel bad for annoying you.”_ _

__Axe shook his head. “nah, it ain’t like that, so stop worrying. plus, it ain’t like i wasn’t expecting this. your entire species is damn curious to a fault. i’ll say right out the gate that regarding any questions about the business, i may not be able to answer all of them. and some you might have about me…” His expression seemed distant. “well some of those i might not _want_ to talk about. nothing personal, and i’m not trying to push you away. there are just some things that are not mine to share. you understand, right?”_ _

__You did. Off the top of your head, you could think of at least six secrets that you intended to die with. The newest addition regarding the exact reason Axe was here._ _

__“for example, why don’t you tell me how this gong show,” Axe swung his free arm to the side, “came to be?”_ _

__“Yeah, I’d break the cyanide capsule before you ever got it out of me.”_ _

__Axe chuckled under his breath. “exactly my point lamb chop.”_ _

__You got up, needing to give your legs a stretch and began waking to the outskirts of the room, heading towards the kitchen. “Hey, if this were a poorly acted scene in a cheesy movie, what sort of drink would I be fetching you while you take your clothes off to clean my place?”_ _

__“fucking stars above… first off, what i need is to be in an environmental suit, not to lose clothing. seriously lamb chop. this LOOKS like maple syrup but smells like death. i’m scared to touch it. secondly, while no one should have to face this thing sober, i recognize that it’s way too early to be getting to the level of drunkness needed for this task. let’s stick to water for now.”_ _

__“As you wish… Mary.” Axe groaned but it was half-hearted, if the bright smile on his face had anything to say about that._ _

__On your way to the kitchen, you grabbed one of the full black garbage bags, tying it up and checking it unceremoniously out the back door. You then busied yourself pouring two cold glasses of water. On your way back you heard Axe talking._ _

__“hello? oh, hey stretch.”_ _

__Huh? “Axe?” you peered around the wall, looking over at Axe. He had his cell phone up to where his ear would be; an annoyed expression on his face._ _

__“yeah i get it, but i can’t help ya. i took the rest of the day off for a reason. i’m busy. technically it’s none of your business. there must be someone else who can take that client today.”_ _

__Axe, now fidgeting where he stood, glanced up at the clock you had on the wall. “i don’t know what to tell ya ashtray. maybe you can offer him some kind of future deal for having to cancel. i’m sure he’d like that better than a stand-in._ _

__Axe was sighing, pinching his nasal ridge with his free hand, his smile turning smug. “well buddy, what is your brother doing today? he’s a talker, maybe he can find another way to keep his mouth busy?” Whoever was on the phone must have hung up. Axe was shaking his head with an amused look on his face as he put his phone away. “shit, i’m gonna pay for that comment later. can’t say it wasn’t funny though.”_ _

__“Who was that?” You traversed the minefield of sticky mystery fluids offering Axe one of the glasses. He nodded his head to the coffee tables so you set it down._ _

__“he’s, uh, a cousin of sorts.”_ _

__You snorted. “What the fuck does that mean?”_ _

__“nothing. thanks for the drink.”_ _

__You raised an eyebrow at him, but otherwise dropped it and sat yourself back in the recliner. “So feel free to not answer, and I’m not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but when you go over to a new clients house, do you usually show up all sexy in a suit and just jump right in straight out the gate?”_ _

__Axe didn’t respond right away; he was currently letting out the air in some inflatable pool toys and rolling them up to put in the box. You saw him shake his head a little before he answered. “this is a little embarrassing to admit; i skipped some steps with you. i usually have a hunch about each person i meet, and most of my hunches are spot on._ _

__“Hunches?”_ _

__“yeah like, reading a client’s demeanour and then judging what they are going to be into, or what they are looking for. do they want something sweet, like a prince or princess kind of treatment? do they crave positive affirmation, or are the desperate to let loose and indulge themselves in something they’ve never tried or have been too ashamed to admit to themselves they want. i’ve gotten pretty good with my guesses, but it’s nothing like what the bosses can do. they can read a man’s kinks like reading off an eye chart at the doctor’s office, and they’re always right.” Axe shuddered at little at a faraway memory. “Having it done to me was… unnerving.”_ _

__“That sounds interesting. Tell me more.”_ _

__“pfft. come one, that shit’s not important. anywho, hunches aside i always talk about what’s happening, because you _should_ talk about it. it’s important to have a conversation whether or not it’s their first time with the business. keeps things running safely. in your case i uh, well… i’m not pleased that i cut corners. it was a long day and i wasn’t paying good enough attention. i thought you were steering the ship towards some housewife shtick and i didn’t question it. didn’t bother to talk it out, since i thought i was picking up what you were putting down. and ah, ya know how well _that_ assumption turned out._ _

__That you did. Axe seemed a little defeated after what he just shared. Time for a topic change. “So, Mary, what terrible things happened in your childhood that made you think ketchup is an acceptable drink?”_ _

__

__The remainder of the afternoon flew by. Axe was great company, and other than that one tense moment, the air between you two was light and playful. With each hour that had passed you noticed your nerves increasing slightly at the prospect of giving Axe his ‘payment,’ but a part of you also felt… confident? Wow. You so rarely ever felt that way._ _

__You were genuinely looking forward to sleeping with him, and the whole concept was so much more exciting since Axe wasn’t a partner. He was for all intents and purposes a stranger, and a prostitute and something like this had _never_ been on your radar before and most likely will never be again. Simply put, the whole idea was a major turn on. _ _

__“alright lamb chop, this trail has killed a part of my soul. you couldn’t tell by looking at me, but i have indeed seen the gates to hell, and have been touched by death. i think all that’s left is to take out the trash and vacuum the ever-loving hell outta this floor.” Axe had his arms stretched in the air, spine arched and stretching side to side. You tried your best not to stare._ _

__“Cool, I’ll take the garbage out back. I’m guessing it’ll take you a while to grab the vacuum?”_ _

__“nah, i’ll be back for you get all those bags moved.” He gave you a wink._ _

__“… It feels like I’m missing something, but I don’t know what. I’m going to choose to ignore you and take out the trash. See you when you get back, Axe.” With a bag in each hand, you walked through the kitchen and out the back door, dumping the bags on the concrete pad that was your garbage pickup spot. Once back inside you bent down to grab another two bags and turned towards the kitchen. Axe’s figure was right there when you turned around._ _

__“NUTS OVER ASS CRACK! Fuck! What the hell man!?”_ _

__Holy shit that sneaky fucker came out of nowhere. And there, in front of Axe stood … a vacuum._ _

__He had his arms crossed over the handle with his head resting on his arms. “told ya, lamb chop.”_ _

__“Bullshit! You had that outside the whole time or something and I just didn’t know. Still, I’m kind of surprised you manage to sneak up on me so quietly.” Be still beating heart, there is plenty of time for you to pound out of my chest soon. You made sure to shove one of the bags into Axe on your way past him._ _

__A half hour later, the floor was vacuumed, the trash removed, and you had two boxes full of salvaged items to put away or find a good home for. At one point Axe wouldn’t drop the notion you guys had in fact been pulling some demonic shit that night, and you couldn’t convince him otherwise. There amongst the wreckage was a crappy home-made Ouija board (with a winky face and frowny face added to it) and a book you didn’t own titled ‘Diary of a Diary Thief. And you never did find those chesterfield legs…_ _

__“that about wraps it up eh? i must say i’m impressed with myself. but, uh, could you do me a favour and never tell my bro about this? it would be terrible for my reputation if he knew how productive i was today. the world doesn’t expect too much of you when it thinks you’re a lazybones._ _

__You chuckled a bit at his request. “Oh, no! Not your reputation! Heaven forbid your good name be sullied by accusations of competency.”_ _

__“exactly. ya see,” Axe straightened up to his full height and took a slow step towards you. “it’s my reputation what makes me so popular.”_ _

__“Umm, do I even want to know? What is your reputation?_ _

__“glad you asked lamb chop.” Axe took another step forward. Oh god, is this happening now? Your heart went from zero to sixty in three seconds flat as he closed the distance between the two of you and slid his large hands up your arms, then up your neck. His hands paused to caress your cheeks on their way up to the top of your head, scratching your scalp lightly. “i have a reputation for being rough,” Axe grabbed a fistful of your hair at the roots, “…and strong,” he then pulled your head to the side, exposing your neck to him, “… and just a little. bit. horrifying.”_ _

__It happened so quickly. Axe opened his mouth revealing a set of sharp-looking fangs, (which had previously gone unnoticed) a loud, deep, and guttural growl tickled your neck as he pressed the tips of his fangs against your soft flesh. The hand not tangled in your hair had grabbed you by the small of your back and guided your body down as if you two were dancing and he was dipping you._ _

__A strangled cry escaped your lips mixing with the sound of his growl; your brain was unsure if you were more scared or turned on by his sudden actions. Your heart, unfortunately, had no insight to give as it was busy pounding like you had run a marathon.... or down the block. The speed at which Axe had gone from casual to holy-shit-in-your-face was staggering._ _

__But as quickly as it came, Axe’s presence against your body, his grip in your hair, and his fangs from your neck had disappeared. You were now standing upright; wide-eyed and frozen as you looked up at him. He was wearing that trade-mark smug grin again, arms crossed as if he hadn't just been tossing you around like a doll._ _

__His tone was casual. “i’m gonna use your washroom to remove any lingering evidence of my involvement here from my phalanges. should i meet you in your room when i’m done? or would you rather we undo all my hard work here?”_ _

__You were _pretty_ sure what you were hearing was words. Were they making sense in your brain? Not a chance. Thankfully you pieced enough together to answer him. “Bedroom. Definitely bedroom.” You shook your head side to side as if it the motion could help you focus. “W-wait, what was that all about? And, uh, why did you stop?”_ _

__“ _that_ , was foreshadowing lamb chop, and i stopped because i’m going to do right by you this time. we’ll get to it soon enough. after we have a little chat first.” Axe spun around on his heels and made his way over to the main floor’s washroom, leaving you stunned in his wake._ _

__

__Up in your bedroom, you were pacing back and forth, the reality that soon you were going to have sex with Axe was freaking you out. Do get in the bed now and wait for him? Should I take off my clothes? Would that seem sexy or just desperate? God, why am I so bad at this?_ _

__Axe’s sudden presence in your doorway startled you. You honestly didn’t even hear him come up the stairs. “Geez. You can be alarmingly quiet when you want to. It’s unnerving.”_ _

__“just one of my many talents, i assure you.” Axe offered you his hand and walked you to the end of your bed, coaxing you to sit down beside him. “you seem nervous lamb chop. are you feeling ok?”_ _

__“Yeah, I’m alright, and I am nervous too. I just,” You took a deep breath. “I’m really worried that I’m going to be terrible. Like, this whole thing we’re about to do will just suck. I’ve tried to act cool and confident around you, but the truth is I’m neither of those things.”_ _

__“hey now, didn’t your mother ever tell you it’s not ok to spread lies? trust me lamb chop, i know cool and you’re it. i live with the coolest guy on Earth so i have a lot of authority on the subject.” Axe cast you a lazy smile, giving your hand a squeeze. “and while i can’t speak for you, i for one hope this does _suck_ , if you catch my drift.”_ _

__Between you’re growing excitement, Axe softly rubbing circles into the palm of your hand, the ever-present voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough, and Axe’s genuine compliment - you were feeling a sensory overload._ _

__“So, you said we needed to have a chat first?” You couldn’t bring yourself to look at Axe, unaware of the concerned look he was giving you. You were focusing on your very fascinating carpet._ _

__“hey, look at me lamb chop.” Reluctantly, you met his gaze. “do you still want to do this? the ‘no’ card is always in your hands, and i’ll never be upset if you deal it to me. you should know I don’t expect anything from you.”_ _

__Holy shit. Chivalry, it would seem, is _far_ from dead. “I do want this. I’m sorry if I’ve made you doubt that. I think you’re sweet, and funny, and surprisingly hot for a guy without an ass.”_ _

__Axe chuckled. “s’ nothing to apologize for. so, since it looks like we’re going through with this, i’m going to reiterate that you can stop it at any time, for any reason. if you want to pick it back up again, great. if not, that’s ok too. are you comfortable using a safe word? keep in mind there is no point in having one of you aren’t willing to use it.”_ _

__You nodded. “I’ve played with safe words before.”_ _

__Axe leaned down to whisper in your ear. “figured. i noticed last time that you seem to be of a certain…. persuasion. i think i got you pegged lamb chop. but whether i’m right or wrong, i’m looking forward to finding out.” Axe pulled back slightly. “any word preferences?”_ _

__You thought for a moment before answering. “Eclipse… I’ll use eclipse.”_ _

__“eclipse.” Axe tested out the word. “works for me. is there anything you want me to know about before we begin? places you don’t like being touched for example? i get you like things rougher, but how rough can i be verbally? Can i boss you around? i’ve been told I can get pretty intense, so it’s important that you tell me what you want.”_ _

__You snickered. “That’ll all be ok. I’m fine with degradation. I enjoy it, actually. And I tend to be submissive…” You looked away from Axe, a little embarrassed about saying it out loud. “And I can’t think of any places on my body that I don’t want you to touch.”_ _

__Axe let go of your hand and stood up. “alright. i think we’re ready to begin. lay down for me.”_ _

__Dutifully you scooted yourself back on the bed until your head could rest down on your pillows. Axe stood there for a moment, eyeing you up and down, taking all of you in. You couldn’t help but think that he looked like an apex predator; hulking, composed, dangerous, ready to strike. Slowly he crawled his way over; legs on either side of yours, upper body braced on his elbow. His free hand was tracing one clawed phalange lightly along the side of your face, then down to your neck where he spread his wide hand over you, holding firmly. Not tight enough to really hinder your breathing, but hard enough to be exciting. Axe started to nuzzle his face against your cheek._ _

__“is this ok, lamb chop?”_ _

__“Yes.” There wasn’t much volume in your response, but he heard you none the less._ _

__“how ‘bout this?” Axe tightened his grip on your neck more, causing a breathy moan to escape you. He pressed his pelvis down between your legs, providing a pressure you didn’t know you were craving. You bucked your hips to meet his, trying to increase the friction and nodding your head as best as you could as an answer._ _

__As soon as Axe loosened his grip on your throat you sucked in a large mouthful of air; unsure if your breathing would again be hindered. Axe made a noise that sounded like giggle-moan hybrid; deep and sinister, then captured your mouth with his._ _

__The kiss was needy; a tongue that you didn’t know he had forced its way past your lips and ran along the upper row of your teeth. You gasped in surprise at the sudden appendage, but made no move to stop, returning the kiss with fever._ _

__Axe broke the kiss to lick up the side of your neck, leaving your skin hot and tingling in its wake. “i meant what i said before. i could eat you right up. i’m so fucking eager to taste every inch of this sweet little body of yours.”_ _

__Feeling a bit bolder you brought your arms up around Axe and dug your finger slightly into his shoulder blades, intending to pull his body closer to yours._ _

__Axe hissed and arched his head back. Eye shut tight, almost as if he was in pain. The hiss turned into a raspy growl and each heavy breath sounded strained. Did you cross a line? You were about to apologise when Axe looked at you, his one good eyelight pulsing red and asked, “do you like this shirt?” His voice sounded strained._ _

__“Yes?”_ _

__“then fucking take if off before i RIP it off you.”_ _

__You wasted no time, arching your body forward, trying to slip your t-shirt off over your head. Axe helped you pull it from your arms and tossed it aside. He sat up, resting his weight on his legs and ran his claws down your newly exposed chest, leaving your skin streaked with bright red lines._ _

__“so beautiful. i wanna mark you in every way. i want to make it so anybody that looks at you knows that you’re mine.” Axe brought his hands up to your shoulders and proceeded to scrape down the sides of your arms. “knows that you’ve been claimed. no one will dare lay a finger on you ever again after i’m done with you. if they know what’s good for them that is.”_ _

__Was this actually happening? Your head was reeling, trying to soak in his words and revel in his touches at the same time. The sharp sting of his scratches was turning into a dull, sweet ache._ _

__‘i want to bite you lamb chop, for real this time. not that joke of a bite i gave you in your living room, right here.” He leaned over you and licked at your neck, tongue moving from the nape of your neck to the base of your ear. “will you let me?”_ _

__Fuck. Words. And thoughts. Not. Doing things. Fuck. Coherency was not your strong suit right now. You heard a voice, and it sounded like it might be yours. But it didn’t convey any intellectual language; it just sputtered out a string of vowels._ _

__Axe was not amused. “i need an answer lamb chop.”_ _

__Your mind was racing. Shit! He sounds so pissed!_ _

__“not hearing a no is not a substitute for a yes. now fucking, answer me bitch!” He dug a claw deep into your shoulder, most certainly breaking thought the very top layers of skin._ _

__You cried out, face contorting in a pain, as your body instinctively tried to move away from the source. “Yes! I’m sorry. Please! Please, you can bite me. Anywhere you want!”_ _

__“that’s better.” Axe began to gently stroke your hair with his free hand. “much better. shhh shhh. are you still with me…? The tenderness in his voice when he spoke your name made your heart stop._ _

__

__This time you made sure to answer right away. “Yes Axe.”_ _

__“good.” Axe began to nuzzle your neck. “you sound so fucking pathetic right now, but i don’t mind, and i like it when you behave. now take a deep breath for me.”_ _

__You sucked in a large gulp of air and Axe immediately bit down on your neck. Hard. The air you just sucked in escaped you in a loud scream. Your legs bucked up and down underneath Axe’s weight; your bodies sad attempt at struggling. It hurt. Fuck did it ever hurt._ _

__Axe sounded like a god damn savage animal. His growls grew into more of a scream, but were muffled by your neck. Your body felt on fire. Every nerve ending lit up, and your aching sex throbbed._ _

__When Axe’s breathing had calmed down he pulled away from you, tongue licking his teeth as he inspected your neck. “hmm, i’m gonna have to care for that later.” Axe scratched your scalp, the touch feeling so pleasant after what he referred to as “a real bite.” Eyes shut, you rolled your head against his hand, trying to increase the stimulation. Axe gave the best fucking head scritches._ _

__“Mmmm… So good.”_ _

__“heh, are you still with me lamb chop?”_ _

__Your replay came out quiet and breathy. “Yes.”_ _

__Glad to hear it. i’m having so much fun i’d hate to cut it short. now,” Axe moved his hand from your head and roughly cupped your chin then swung one of his legs back so you were no longer pinned. “take your pants off for me.” Again, you didn’t hesitate. Both eager to move on and scared at what might come if you didn’t._ _

__

__You were stark naked now, except for your socks. You propped yourself up on your shoulders, spreading your legs wide to give him a good view. For a second you found it odd that you were displaying yourself without a second thought, and that you didn’t feel the need to cover yourself up. Maybe you finally hit your stride? You were sure the grin on your face was a stupid one, but you couldn’t help yourself. “Are you hungry, Axe? Cause I have a snack for you.”_ _

__The look on Axe’s face was a mix between smug and proud. He reached over your head to grab a free pillow, coaxing you to lift your butt so he could slide it under. He then settled himself between your legs. “oh i’m fucking starving over here. say, do you have a favourite poem lamb chop?”_ _

__You thought for a second. “Maybe Helen of Troy does Countertop Dancing? It’s by Margaret Atwood.”_ _

__“oh, i’m familiar. relax lamb chop. i got a lot to recite.” With that Axe opened his mouth and moved his tongue over the length of your sex, head bobbing up and down while his tongue did whatever the fuck it was doing that felt so god damn good._ _

__You sucked in sharp breath when Axe let his teeth lightly slide over the sensitive organ, you braced yourself for a sharper impact, body alight with anticipation and fear; it never came._ _

__Axe seemed fully content with this situation; his shoulders and hips would shimmy or sway now and again. He looked up at you often, trying to get a read on how you were feeling. Slipping you a wink here and there._ _

__When Axe started speeding up his ministrations, that’s when he got his hands involved. He rubbed against the swelling between your legs, in tandem with his tongue; his other hand busied itself kneading at the flesh of your thigh. When you were teetering right on the edge, you tried to pull your hips back, suddenly overwhelmed with the stimulation to the point of near discomfort. Axe grabbed a handful of your pubic hair and sharply yanked you back against his hot mouth and sucked hard for the transgression. His growl vibrating against your flesh. The sudden pain grounded you and it was all over._ _

__It was in that moment that you lost it. Or did you really lose it when you offered to fuck a skeleton in a bar? Either way._ _

__Your voice came out sounding deeper and desperate. “Oh, fuck Axe! I’m coming.” You bucked your hips into his face, one of you hand holding on the back of his head to ride out your climax._ _

__Post orgasm you were a useless flesh sack. A fact which Axe found amusing. He poked at your cheeks, stomach, basically anywhere to annoy you since you didn’t have the energy to fight him off. “Nyah! Don’t pick on me.”_ _

__“alright, alright. turn over for me.” Axe helped you roll over so you were laying on your stomach and then straddled your butt. He began rubbing your back and shoulders, paying special to any knots he found._ _

__“Mmmm. Fuuuck this is so nice.” You murmured into your pillow. “And you’re doing all the work. I feel like an ass. I swear I’m usually not such a pillow princess.”_ _

__“hey, stop stressing lamb chop. i’m having a great time. ‘sides, when was the last time you had someone take care of your needs like this?”_ _

__Now there’s a question that you don’t want to think too hard about. This dry spell was a long one, but not for lack of trying on your part. Things just never worked out._ _

__“It’s been a while.”_ _

__“that’s a shame. a sweet ass like this should get smashed at least thrice weekly._ _

__“ _Thrice_ you say!? Oh, I do declare! Sir I fear you and your honeyed words will make a harlot out of me!” Your laugh sounded stupid to your ears, but you were having too much fun to care. And the sound of it seemed to mix well with Axe’s laugh._ _

__Axe leaned forward to place a chaste kiss (nuzzle?) on your ear. “would you like to continue?”_ _

__“Yes!” you cried, looking over your shoulder, “Shut up and take all my tokens!!”_ _

__Axe cocked a brow bone up in a questioning look. You stuffed your face into the pillow, feeling now like you were being too silly. Incoming subject change!_ _

__“Axe, what’s _you_ favourite poem?”_ _

__“oh, i don’t think you’d know it.” Axe’s voice grew dark as he nipped at your ear. You could hear the sound of a zipper and fabric rustling. He lifted his weight off your butt and kicked off his pants one leg at a time then settled back down, one leg on either side of you. “how’d you like the tongue? feel good?”_ _

__“Yes? Why are you asking? Are you avoiding the question?”_ _

__“how do you feel about taking something a little _bigger_?” You felt something tease your entrance; it was like Axe’s tongue but firmer. And girthy. _ _

__Oh. _OH_. How many languages could you say yes in?_ _

__You lifted your butt up in response, pushing your ass against him. You hoped you sounded sexy. “Three words Axe; wreck me please.”_ _

__Axe groaned in response. “i like that answer lamb chop. now about that poem. it’s short so i’ll just recite it for you.”_ _

__Axe pressed harder against your backside, not yet slipping inside._ _

__“mary had a little lamb, it put on quite a show.”_ _

__He brought one hand up to rest on your neck, the other digging into your hips, helping to steady himself. You sucked in a breath as Axe seated himself ever so slightly inside. Hardly there, yet its presence so obvious._ _

__“and every time that mary thrust, the lamb. bit the. _pillow_. _ _

__Axe pushed your head down and slammed himself inside of you. The pain and pleasure and shock blended into a sweet cocktail that you would happily drown in. You also took the poem’s advice and bit down on your pillow._ _

__You screamed with every thrust, your body stretching around him as you started to buck your hips trying to match his rhythm._ _

__So, good. It felt so good. You doubted you could form a half-decent sentence so you settled for moaning shamelessly. If Axe sounded needy and uncontrollable before, he now sounded downright _feral_. His growls growing louder, sounding almost angry with each thrust. He tried to muffle them by biting down on your shoulder. _ _

__“Ahhh, Axe!!! Fuck. That fucking hurts!”_ _

__Axe responded with his mouth still full of your flesh, tearing the skin more. His pace never faltered. “you know how to make me stop.”_ _

__You did. But you didn’t want him to. You were crying now. There was a part of you that worried your body couldn’t handle it all. You could see what appeared to be his magic enveloping your skin; every inch of your body felt like it was being kissed or licked, or just TOUCHED. Darkness was slipping into your vision..._ _

__“hey!” he barked. “stay with me…” You almost didn’t recognize your name when he spoke it. He sounded just as far gone as you felt. Hearing your name said with such carnal desire; it’ll never get better than this moment right there. It would seem Axe may have wrecked you for life._ _

__“this is it lamb chop. i want you to ride this out with me. because i’m not all the way in yet. me and my magic have a little bit more for you to take. and you will. take. _all of me_.”_ _

__Fear, there was genuine fear in you now. Your skin prickled in goosebumps. What did he mean more to take? There is no part of you that wasn't swimming in his magic. Your brain was fucking drunk on sin for stars’ sake. You CAN’T possibly take more. The pleasure danced so sweetly with the pain and you feared that adding anything else might shift this delicate balance. You were starting to panic inside._ _

__“A-axe, no. I can’t. It’s too much. I’ll get lost in it.”_ _

__“lost? oh, no no no. you can’t get lost in this. didn’t you know little one? i’m your fucking, _shepherd_.” Axe sped up, his need growing. “do you remember what i said before? about my reputation? _this_ is my reputation lamb chop. i put the fear in ya, until you’re full to bursting. until you think there is no capacity left for you to feel anything other than your blood run cold, your chest seize up, your body cry. and that’s when i show you how fucking wrong you are. i’m gonna prove to you that you still have room left in that pretty little body of yours to take all of me.” Axe’s voice faltered. “i-if don’t hear the safe word, y-you better brace yourself.”_ _

__You thought about it. Did you really want to stop? Maybe a little? Everything did feel so overwhelming. But, if you walked away now, would you regret it? Would Axe break you, leave you in pieces? Or would he see it through until the end, by your side the whole way?”_ _

__“are you with me lamb chop!?” And there it was. Your question answered._ _

__“Yes. Do it.”_ _

__You heard a sharp intake of breath, and then Axe screamed. Or was that you?_ _

__Axe finished forming his magic, thrusting the remainder of its focused, solid form inside you. The shapeless magic in the air that was covering your skin popped like a balloon. Everything that wasn’t heavy or nailed down in your room was pushed aside as Axe’s magic claimed the space. As if a large gust of wind had blown through. Your skin felt overbearingly hot and icy cold at the same time. You didn’t know what the hell this was. It didn’t feel like an orgasm. It felt _better_. The source of it felt like it was coming from your heart, pumping to the rest of your body. It was pure euphoria._ _

__Axe embraced you as best as he could. Slipping one arm under your neck, the other laying along your side, phalanges curled in your hair. He sounded like a hot mess; his breathing was raspy and strained. His hips bucked deeper but slower as he emptied what was left of his magic inside of you._ _

__When Axe was finally spent, he rolled you both over on to your sides. Nuzzling the back of your neck. Neither of you spoke for a while. You just laid there, catching your breath, and revelling in the worlds shiniest afterglow. You were grateful for Axe’s embrace. It was helping to ground you. Without it you were sure you might float away. You entwined his phalanges with your fingers and brought your hand up to your lips. A soft kiss is all you could offer to show your adoration._ _

__“fucking stars. words have lost all meaning. i don’t even know what to say.”_ _

__You made an odd sound in response. Not yet ready to come back to reality._ _

__“do you think you could sit up for me? or do you still need some time?’_ _

__You nodded your head and began to stir. Axe let go of your hand and sat up behind you. “don’t worry, you’re not moving far.” This was true. Axe used his magic to grab your discarded blanket, then scooped you up in his arms and wrapped the blanket around your form; like you were a tight little burrito. “take all the time you need lamb chop. I just want to take a look at those marks.”_ _

__Axe looked your neck over, assessing the bruising. The bite _did_ bleed, but had long since stopped; it wasn’t deep at all. Mostly superficial punctures. Next was your shoulder. Now that was a deeper wound. Still not anything worth worrying over, but Axe figured it could use a little green magic and a clean-up. _ _

__Axe sighed, having spent almost everything he had. Between cleaning your living room, and fucking you with an intensity he had never intended, he most definitely needed a monster candy when all was said and done._ _

__“i’m gonna try and heal that bite on your shoulder ok? it should just feel warm, you can relax.” You just nodded your approval at his plan. Thankfully it didn’t take much to heal over the tearing, because Axe was clearly exhausted._ _

__The entire time you were in his arms you were nuzzling against his chest. The realization that you didn’t get the chance to see many of his bones only occurring to you now. You looked up at him, surprise to see his eye focused on you, a soft easy smile on his face._ _

__You cleared your throat and tried to sound as confused as you could. “So, um. Is there more? Or is, like _that_ it?”_ _

__Axe howled with laughter. “you’re fucking killing me here. ‘is that it?' sorry, lamb chop. i didn’t know i was performing for fucking sexual royalty here. i would have busted out all the stops.”_ _

__You laughed with him, pleased that he seemed happy._ _

__“i wanna get you some water. i wish i had thought about it earlier to be honest. but i don’t know if i should leave you yet. can you let me know when you think you’re feeling ok with me leaving for a minute?_ _

__“You can go get it now. I’ll be fine.”_ _

__“mmm I’m not so sure ‘bout that. usually i’d just carry you, but i have almost nothing left in me.”_ _

__You tensed up, something only occurring to you now. “Wait. WAIT! Are you going to be ok? I know monsters are made of magic. And you probably used a ton of it.”_ _

__Axe chuckled at your concern. “yes, monsters are made of magic, and no i cannot fuck myself to death. i’m ok lamb chop. and after all of that, i’m feeling fantastic._ _

__“Ok, good. I think I would like that water though.”_ _

__He gave you a concerned look, but then relented, leaning down to kiss the top of your head. “i’m on it.” Axe set your snuggled form aside and left the room. It amused you to no end watching him leave in just his t-shirt. Somehow that made him seem MORE naked._ _

__Wow. Just wow. Is this what sex is like with all monsters? Or just Axe? Do all his clients get to feel whatever the hell _that_ was? It honestly didn’t feel real. You could totally understand the appeal of paying for an experience like that and looked forward to it again._ _

__Wait. Again? Slow it on down brain. This is a one and done. Plus, it might be too weird for Axe if you became one of his regular clients. Don’t think silly things and get your hopes up. You didn’t ask for this with the intent of something more._ _

__“lamb chop? you look upset.” You didn’t even hear Axe come into the room. He handed you a glass of water, face frowning. “are you feeling ok?” Axe sat back on the bed and pulled you into his lap again._ _

__“Thank you for the water. And yes, I’m ok, I was just thinking. Don’t worry about it.” You took a big sip of your water, not realizing how much you needed it until you had it. You almost finished the glass in one go._ _

__“do you want to talk? about anything that happened? i know you always have questions.” He smiled and nuzzled the ridge of his nose into your cheek._ _

__“Are you going to leave soon? I didn’t think to ask before if you were gonna stick around.”_ _

__“nah, i’ll stick around for a bit. i made sure everyone knew i was taking the rest of the day off. unless you’d rather i leave?”_ _

__You shook your head. “No, not at all.” You finished the remaining water and Axe put the cup down on the nightstand._ _

__“anything else?”_ _

__“Is that was sex with a monster is like? It was amazing.”_ _

__“it can be. depends on who you’re sleeping with and if they know creative ways to wield their magic. you could sleep with 100 monsters in the city and have 100 different experiences.”_ _

__Yeah, that makes sense._ _

__“I feel bad now.”_ _

__“Wha? Why?”_ _

__“Because I’m just a human. I wish I was a monster. Then I could offer you more and make you feel as good as you made me feel. If I could have used magic like that on you?”. You looked out your bedroom window._ _

__“hey, don’t sell yourself short. and look at me.” You turned to face him. “you might not believe me, but that’s not how sex with my clients usually goes down. it’s far less…” Axe looked like he was struggling to find the right words. “involved. what we did, i promise you i will never forget it. so thank you for sharing that with me.”_ _

__Aww Axe. He’s so sweet. Were you tearing up? It felt like you were tearing up._ _

__“hey hey, no crying. the encounter is over. if you wanted to cry you should have cried when my dick was in you ... wait, i think you did...”_ _

__So much for sweet. You chuckled, happy that the casual air was back, and angry at yourself that you just might ruin it again. “Ok, this question might be a bit of a downer, but why did you agree to sleep with me? I wasn’t going to ask, but it’s going to eat away at me for the rest of my life if I don’t. Was it just as an apology?”_ _

__A voice crept into your head. Don’t ask questions that you’re not prepared to hear the answers to._ _

__Axe grunted as he turned you around in his lap so you sat face to face. “listen to me lamb chop. there was no ulterior motive here, and i did NOT sleep with you by way of an apology. the four fucking hours i spent cleaning that shit show downstairs? _that's_ what an apology looks like. i didn’t fuck you just so i could close a debt, or get you off my back. that’s not how it works with me. this was because you offered, and i wanted to. the entire night at the bar i kept thinking that i would like to. so i really should be thanking you.”_ _

__You sniffled. So much for not crying. You hid your face in the floofy blanket, “Ok, understood.” You wiped the wetness from your eyes. Next question._ _

__“I was wondering if you’d like to, I dunno. Maybe keep hanging out after this? Like, it’s nothing major…. And I know you’re busy, but maybe we can meet up at Grillby’s every once in a while?”_ _

__Ahh! Why was this so hard right now?_ _

__Axe’s eyes pulled up in concern, his ever-present smile softening a little. “you don’t mean like a date, right? or-”_ _

__“No!” you shouted, probably too loud. “No, I just meant as friends. Or whatever we are? Maybe ‘friends’ is too strong of a word at this point? If you’d prefer I’d settle for you coming over as my cleaner and tackling my living room once a week?”_ _

__He laughed, shaking his head. “i just recited the works of margaret atwood with my tongue between your legs. and you think _friend_ is too strong of a word? come on lamb chop.” he pulled you up closer to his chest squeezing your body in a safe hug. “i get what you’re saying. and sorry if i made you think i didn’t want to hang around you afterwards. cause i do. truth be told i don’t have a ton of friends. mostly just my brother.”_ _

__“And your other cousins?”_ _

__“eh? yeah i guess they count, on the good days anyway. my point is i’m a little bit lacking in the friendship department. if you’re crazy enough to wanna take the role, who am to stop ya. just don’t want you falling for something that i’m not, or hoping for something that i can’t give, ya know?”_ _

__Well, you can’t say you didn’t expect this. Cause you did. You really did just want to be Axe’s friend, but there was a tiny part of you lamenting that a door was now closed and locked to you, even if you never intended opening it. Like 3% of you was sad. But that just meant that 97% of you was rejoicing that you got to continue with Axe being in your life. And right now, nothing could beat that._ _

__“Well Axe rest assured; I think am crazy enough to fit the role. “_ _

__Axe snorted. “fuck lamb chop. i KNOW you are.”_ _

__

__~LATER THAT NIGHT~_ _

__

__You thought you’d feel lonely after Axe went home for the night but you weren’t. He stayed for a couple more hours and you guys opted to watch some random cooking competition show; both of you too exhausted to really entertain each other and content to just snuggle on the chesterfield and enjoy each other’s company. After making plans to meet next week at Grillby’s you said a quick goodbye and Axe took off._ _

__Your living room looked immaculate, and you wanted to spend as much time in it as you could. Flipping open Skudworth you saw some missed texts from Sarah._ _

__S: I’m going to assume your silence means good things! ;)_ _

__*: Very good things. Can I call you tomorrow to talk? I’m falling asleep at the wheel here._ _

__S: Sure thing, but don’t forget. I need to live vicariously through your booty call._ _

__*: he doesn’t have a booty, he’s a skeleton._ _

__S: hahaha. Good one. Talk to you tomorrow my love?_ _

__*: Until then <3_ _

__

__THUMP_ _

__

__That was odd. Did something upstairs fall? Probably. Your room did look like a tornado came through it after everything was said and done._ _

__You sauntered upstairs to look for what might have fallen, then gasped when you saw it._ _

__“Holy Shit!”_ _

__There on your bed was the patched-up body of Kitty Baby._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, everyone, who has taken the time to read this story. It means the world to me.
> 
> This story is over, but it is only the beginning for this world and all the skeletons who work for Vaccumm.
> 
> I will continue to write about Undersell, along with some other amazingly talented people. 
> 
> There might be some Skeleton POV chapters as well. You can thank Punny_Fan for slipping that idea my way.
> 
> Anywho, please feel free to tell me what you think or vote for the skeleton you want to be featured next. Skudworth has a running tally that is on going!


	4. Just Desserts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you visit Axe's home and eat too many sweets.

The beginning of December brought in a major cold snap. And like any true winter lover, you went out of your way to eat cold treats outside. You were very surprised to see the blue bunny working his nice cream stand at the park. You can’t imagine he makes much this time of year. Even more surprising was the concerning lack of layers he wore. It was -17 degrees but he didn’t seem fazed in the slightest. 

_Odd. He looks comfortable._

Axe had insisted you two could find the nice cream vendor at the park today and now you two were happily munching away.

“’people admire your strength?’ yeah right. ‘s nothing admirable about me. what’s yours say?” Axe crinkled up the small slip of paper he had pulled from his nice cream cone and tossed it in the nearby rubbish bin. 

“Hey, no talking down about yourself. It’s only noon. Degradation talk doesn’t start until _at least_ 5 pm. Let’s see.” You dug around for the note wedged between the wrapper and cone. “’Say yes to a new opportunity. It might make you smile?’ This sounds more like something you’d get in a fortune cookie, not a nice cream.”

Axe stretched on the part bench then turned to face you. “well that’s a segue if i ever saw one. so, lamb chop, there is this giftmas party coming up near the end of the month. wanna come to it? it’s not really my thing, but i think it would be more fun if you were there.”

“That’s a monster holiday, right? What do you at a Giftmas party? It is it work-related?”

“drink mostly. chill out. play some games; there always ends up being some table dancing.” 

“Huh. I expected you to say massive orgy.”

Axe snorted and shook his head. “nah, while some of the guys are filthy animals, present company _not_ included, work and the whole prostitution thing is not really a part of it. even though it’s sometimes referred to as the staff giftmas party, we don’t talk about work there. it’s not really accepted by everybody. the party is more about family. a time where we’re all together, half of us getting hammered and making fools of ourselves and the other half finally letting lose enough to join the fun or take blackmail photos.”

“Will your brother be there?”

“yup. everyone will be.” Axe’s thought seemed to trail off. He looked down at the bench and quietly mused to himself. “save for suave maybe. i sure hope he comes around this time.”

“What was that last part?”

“ah, nothing. anyways, the boss also extended the invitation to you. not sure if that makes going more appealing.”

“No way, really? I got the feeling he didn’t like me, despite that offer he made.” 

“he likes you well enough. he doesn’t see you as a threat anymore.”

“A threat? When was I ever a threat? Is that a joke?”

Sans only shrugged before stretching his legs out wide in front of him and leaning back into the park bench.

“Well Axe I’d be honored to go as your plus one.”

“that’s great. say, feel up to hanging out with my bro today? he’s been wanting to see you again and has been baking like a crazy person since last week.”

“Why is he baking so much?”

“he doesn’t know what desserts you like so he’s making everything just to be safe. wants to give you something as an apology for what happened.”

“Geez, another apology? You all know I’m not mad, right?”

“i know lamb chop. it’s just something he wants to do.”

“Why didn’t you just ask me what I like so he doesn’t have to bother himself making a bunch of different things?”

Axe stood up and began to walk down the street, motioning for you to join him. He saluted the bunny nice cream vendor as he passed the cart.

“Axe? Axe?! Did you not ask me what I like just so your brother would go on a baking spree and you’d have more to eat afterwards?”

Your skeletal friend didn’t bother to answer you as he walked down the street.

You called after Axe before quickly stuffing your garbage in the rubbish bin. “Oh, real mature buddy. Hey, don’t you walk away from me!” You gave a hasty thank you to the nice cream vendor and quickly jogged back to Axe’s side. “Where to now my fleshless fliend? Blah! _Fleshless. Friend._ Whew, say that ten times.”

“ok. that that that that that that that.”

You loving body checked you annoying friend into the tree you were passing by. “Fucking smartass.”

“better than a dumb ass.” Axe gave you a wink as he righted his posture after your assault. “and yeah, we’re heading home. it’s not far.”

“Ever notice how nothing in this city is? It’s all so convenient.”

Axe shrugged and motioned for you to cross the street. 

From the park, you only ended up walking about four minutes before Axe stopped outside a high-rise (a fancy high-rise) and swiped a black fob against a pad on the door. You heard a click and Axe, like a gentleman, held the door open for you.

“Wait.” A glace down the road confirmed that Axe lived a whole street block away from the Vaccumm building. “I didn’t know you lived so close to work. And close-ish to me for that matter.” You gave Axe a quick thank you as you stepped inside.

“yup. pretty much everybody from work lives here. are you a stairs person?”

“Axe, look at me. In the brief time we’ve known each other, do you honestly think I’m ‘a stairs person’?”

“i like your style lamb chop. i can’t stand stairs. elevator it is.” Once inside Axe swiped his fob again and pushed the button for the 10th floor. 

As the elevator began its climb you noticed a lot of dings on the walls and stains on the carpet. “This is a very ritzy place but I didn’t expect the elevator to look so… used.”

“Once upon a time you could blame that on the fells, but in truth, this elevator sees a lot of action. I forgot how gross it is actually.”

_huh?_

“The guy that doesn’t take the stairs forgets how gross the elevator loo-.”

The elevator rumbled to a stop on the 6th floor. As the doors opened a dark-skinned rock monster and a blonde crocodile practically fell inside, giggling as they smooched. The crocodile was the first to notice your presence as she pulled away from her partner, still giggling.

“Hey, Phylite. Stop.”

The rock monster looked over to you and Axe with what could only be described as bedroom eyes. “Oh, sorry sweetie, this one is taken. And it’s going up too. I’m afraid we’re looking to go down. Unless we can join you?”

“not a chance buddy.”

“Mmm. You want to keep this one to yourself? That’s cool. I must say thought, a human?” Phylite gave a sly look to his partner. She looked back knowingly. “That’s pretty freaky. Not that I’m judging. Have fun kids!!” The elevator doors closed as the monsters waved you off.

“Huh. Were those two about to fuck in the elevator? Who does that?”

Axe began to giggle. “think he was gonna _rock_ her world?”

“In an elevator? There is no move _boulder_ than that.” 

“how ‘bout in a _rocking chair_?”

“Nice. Umm... If he fakes an orgasm, is he a sham-rock?”

“not bad lamb chop. hey quick thing i wanna mention; there are a lot of… ‘energetic’ monsters that live in this building. they shouldn’t give you any real trouble. and you probably won’t be here without me, but just in case: you just need to give them a firm ‘no’ and they’ll back off. don’t be meek or shy or they’ll try to eat you alive.” 

The elevator opened and you came out on floor 10. Axe lead the way to room 011 and opened the door.

_Well that was a weird warning. Must be because of those two monsters._

“here we are.” He immediately shrugged off his winter coat and kicked off his shoes before stepping into some fuzzy slipper that looked very out of place on him. He beelined it around a corner as you started to remove your boots. 

The first thing you noticed when you stepped inside was the overwhelming aroma of cooked bread. 

_Holy crap, Sugar really has been baking up a storm. And speak of the devil._

Within seconds of your arrival, you heard thumping from the room Axe disappeared to as Sugar bounded to the front door. He wore a white blouse, black pants and an adorable frilly white apron. 

_Oh my god I forgot about the braces! It’s too much cuteness!_

“Human! Hello! It’s lovely to see you again! Please, let me take your coat!” Sugar reached out as you pulled of your bulky hoodie, allowing him to place it on a nearby wall hook. “Welcome to our home, my fleshy friend. I had hoped my brother’s friendship date would have been a success, but I see he was failing and had to come home and tag me in so I could save the day!” You could hear Axe’s laughter from the kitchen but Papyrus either didn’t notice, or didn’t care. 

“Worry not. I am equal parts cool and sexy and can turn this flop of a hangout around! Let us retreat to the kitchen for desserts!”

Sugar stopped when he saw that you weren’t following him. He looked back at you in confusion at your snickering. 

“Re _treat,_ to the kitchen? Nice pun Sugar.” You could hear Axe start to laugh harder. 

“bro, i’m so proud of you!”

“NO! Sans how could you taint my perfectly respectable new friend with your sad excuse for humour!? Is nothing in this world sacred? Do I not deserve nice things?” Despite Sugar’s angry posture and furrowed brow bones as he glared down at you, you could see a slight smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. He resumed his trek to the kitchen with an indignant huff. “This way human!”

You stepped into the kitchen with Sugar and found Axe by the sink stuffing his face with cinnamon rolls. Sugar walked over to his brother in three long strides and snatched the roll from his hands. 

“Sans these are for the human. Honestly, where are your manners? We so rarely have guests over that aren’t family.”

Axe shrugged and spoke with a mouthful of a cinnamon bun. ‘sowwy bro.” He made his way over to the dining table. You followed his example has he took a seat. 

Every available space on the counter and most of the table was overrun with plates filled with delicious treats. Sugar grabbed a bowl of what looked like timbits and placed them in front of you. Sugar looked crestfallen as he breathed a deep sigh. 

“LC, I feel very bad about what had transpired with you and my brother, and I regret that my misstep played a role in what was undoubtedly a very uncomfortable evening for you. I am truly sorry.” Sugar busied his hands by playing with the hem of his frilly white apron. Unlike his brother, he maintained perfect eye contact through the entire apology. He waited patiently for you to respond.

“Aww, Sugar. Apology accepted.” You stood up from your seat, arms spread wide. “Hugs? Do you do hugs?”

Without any hesitation, Sugar bent down and wrapped his arms around your torso, lifting you effortlessly into the air in a tight embrace. The hug was nice despite being all bone. When Sugar set you back down he walked over to the fringe, offering you a drink. 

“Water is fine, thanks. Did you seriously make all this for me?” Sans had been plucking timbits nonstop from the bowl in front of you the whole time and now there were very few left. You gave him a mock look of annoyance before placing one in your mouth. 

_Mmm, fluffy dough, full-bodied silky glaze... other pretentious descriptors for doughnut holes_

“Sugar this tastes great. If everything in this kitchen is as good as these I’m in real trouble here.” 

The tall skeleton smiled wide at the compliment, standing up straighter as he fetches a glass. “Nya! Thank you, LC. And of course, I made it for you. I didn’t know what you liked to eat and obviously I could not make every dessert in existence, but I have quite the varied selection for you to try. If I’ve missed your favourite I’ll just have to make it another day and have you over again.”

“Mmm, that’s a clever way to keep me around. So, I brought this up with Axe already, but why didn’t you just ask him, to ask me what my favourite dessert is?”

Sugar placed a tall glass of water in front of you and took his seat at the table. “Now where’s the fun in that?” His voice changed from jovial to somewhat… sultry? “If there’s in one thing I never back down from human, it’s a challenge.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After an hour of sampling endless treats, you threw in the towel and retreated to the living room. Sugar insisted that you take a container of what you couldn’t get through, home with you. He wanted your opinion on everything and you were happy to oblige. Just not now. The thought of food made you feel worse. 

Despite the holidays being a month away Axe had managed to find a burning fireplace channel and that had been playing on the tv for the last couple of hours as you three chatted. The whole day spent with the skeletal brothers felt very domestic and normal.

After the incident, you and Axe always had good chemistry, but Sugar was just as easy to get along with. 

“This chesterfield is banging. Which is good because I need all the comfort I can get.” You were currently sprawled across the skeletal brothers faded green chesterfield, unable to move without great difficulty thanks to your poor life choices. 

Axe was sitting under your legs, lazily pulling lint of your socks. Sugar was seated in a matching chair to your right, knitting something bright red.

“yeah, ‘s a good couch. we had one just like it back underground. this one is the bosses’ old couch.”

“did you leave a lot of stuff behind when you came out of the mountain?” Your eyes were closed but you could hear Sugar sigh and noticed that Axe had stopped pulling at your sock. 

 

“Hey, I’m sorry I brought it up. Ignorant human perception, right? The Ascension really wasn’t that long ago, and I forget sometimes how fresh and difficult it must all still be.”

When you looked over at Sugar he had resumed his knitting and was smiling down at you. “It’s ok LC. No harm done. It’s normal for friends to be curious and ask questions about their lives. Assuming, we are friends?

“Well duh. I’ve just hired myself as your permanent taste tester.”

Sugar snickered. “Actually, I believe Red has already boldly assumed that position. Honestly, how that guy manages to squeeze so many expletives in a positive cake review is beyond me. But I’m always looking for someone to lick spoons.”

You shot Sugar two fingers guns.

“that’s more of a third date thing bro.”

“Sans, don’t be gross, uh, s-so LC! Since we are indeed friends, I’m engaging my friendships rights to ask you about your nickname.” 

_Huh. Going to file that away for later._

Sugar’s question came out rushed but it was a good one. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna let Mary field that one. I’m curious too. I kinda assumed you just called all your clients lamb chop.” You tried not to let that fact hurt your pride.

“nah, that’s not it at all. i met you on a friday, six-forty-something in the evening, at your doorstep and you were wearing a ‘lamb of god’ t-shirt. i made up that nickname on the spot the moment i saw ya. it’s yours and only yours.” 

“Wow. I never would have guessed that in a million years.” You were beaming on the inside. That was _your_ special name and it made you feel cool as fuck to have it. 

“That was fun! LC, it’s your turn to ask a question!”

“Uh... ok? Hmm… You have to wear only one t-shirt for a whole month and it has to have only have one word on it. No pictures. What is the word?”

“bone-zone.”

You rolled your eyes. “That’s two words genius.”

“not if it’s hyphenated.”

“You’re a loser. Ok Sugar, what about you?”

Sugar crossed his legs and tapped one long phalange on this chin. “It’s a toss-up between ‘Hello’ and “spaghetti’. Hello is friendly and invites conversations, but Spaghetti is cool. Yes, I’ll go with spaghetti.”

_Spaghetti is cool? Since when? Fuck this guy is so sweet._

“If Axe gets to cheat then I will too. My word is.” You mustered up your best mobster impression and shook your hands with your palms facing up. “Fugetaboutit! But fudged into one word.”

“Human, you are strange.”

“Thank you, Sugar.”

“You are most welcome. Bother, your turn.”

“hmm.” Axe pondered for a moment before asking his question. “if you were a pro-fighter, what song would you play as you enter the arena?”

“Well my brother’s is easy to guess. You and half the family would play ‘Bad to the Bone’. I on the other hand would play something inspiring that everyone knows. And something cool. I choose Eye of the Tiger. It’s obviously the best song for motivation and prestige.”

“Good choice, good choice. Can never go wrong with Survivor.” Your stomach had settled a bit so you swung your legs off Axe’s lap and sat up straight. “My song would strike confusion in the hearts of my enemies. That confusion would turn to unease and hopefully fear. I’d strut into the stadium, arms wide as I walked towards the ring, and I’d _never_ break eye contact with my foe. All the while, blasting in the background is Beach Boys Kokomo. The song no one sees coming.”

Silence. 

“That bad?”

“sorry, but i don’t know what that song is. never even heard of the band. have you?”

Sugar shook his head, still fussing away with his knitting. 

“What? Prepare yourselves, for the age of enlightenment is upon your poor deprived souls. Skudworth, play me a song!” 

As you fiddled for your phone Axe had reversed your previous positions. His boney legs were now resting in your lap; feet dangling off the arm of the chesterfield. You snagged one of his fuzzy blue slippers and chucked it lightly against his head. He didn’t even flinch. 

“what the hell did i do?. bro, did you see that? lamb chop is assaulting me. in own home! ”

“I saw nothing. Besides.” Sugar didn’t stop his knitting or even spare Axe a glace before he pushed his glasses further up his nasal ridge. “You’ve made your bed brother, now you have to lay in it. Actually, I _wish_ you would make your bed. Word of advice LC, stay out of his room. My brother is very good at a lot of things. But cleaning is not one of them.”

You had just queued up the song and were trying your hardest not to laugh. 

When you looked over at Axe he had that familiar handsome shit-eating grin on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely Readers! Thank you for taking the time to be here! It means so much to me. 
> 
> It would appear this fic is not over yet. Who knew?
> 
> We will continue to give each of the Vaccumm team members a turn with some sexy screen time and give you some quality world-building drabbles. Which incidentally can be found [here.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19290205/chapters/45879196)
> 
>  
> 
> When this started it was meant to end at chapter 3 and the rest, if any would be in the Drabbles. Some of this chapter will not make sense without it. Sorry about that!
> 
>  
> 
> I just really want to see Lamb Chop and Axe be besties!
> 
> Axe made it very clear that it's only friendship from here on out!
> 
> The smut train has left the station and will NEVER be coming back.........
> 
> .................. right? :3


	5. Horny for the Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You swear Sarah to secrecy and talk about your holiday plans.

When Monday morning reared its cold and dreary head you were grateful Sarah could come over first thing. It occurred to you during your meeting at Vaccumm that she knew more about the company then Sans would probably be happy about. And for the sake of your new friends you really needed her to keep what she had learned a secret. 

When Sarah arrived, she knocked at your door three times before letting herself in. “Good morning my love!” she trilled while kicking off her boots and stomping her way into the living room. You heard her footsteps halt and got up from the table to greet her. 

“Good morning Sarah. How are you?” You peek your head around the kitchen wall and saw her staring in awe at the room. 

“Holy shit this looks cleaner than before you destroyed the place. I’ve never seen it look so good.”

You guffawed at her comment before marching over to her and wrapping your arms around her body in a tight hug attack. “Before _I_ destroyed it eh? That whole nightmare was practically your fault. I was simply the enabler!” You squeezed a bit harder for good measure. 

Sarah laughed and hugged you back. “So, what was the important thing you needed to talk about?”

You pulled back from the hug and started walking to the kitchen. “Common. Tea first.”

Thanks to Sugar you had five trays worth of various desserts on the table and Sarah took immediate notice of this fact while you walked to the counter to prepare our drinks. 

“Holy cavities Batman! This is crazy. Since when do you bake?” Sarah asked before placing a danish in her mouth.”

“Since never. These are from Sugar.” You rifled in the cupboard an pulled out two of your zodiac mugs, each with your respective signs. While waiting for the kettle water to boil you added the tea bags and desired amount of honey before snagging a date square from one of the dessert trays. 

Sarah happily munched away. “Sugar? Is that a new bakery?” 

“New bakery? No, _Sugar_ , is Axe’s brother. The fist skeleton monster I met.”

“Oh yeah. Well, my compliments to the guy, who has more than earned his namesake.” Sarah was about to take another bite but lowered the danish. “Wait… so if ‘Sugar’ bakes, what does ‘Axe’ do?”

You looked down towards your feet and chuckled darkly, “That’s a secret I’ll never tell.”

“Ahh, taking it to your grave, are ya?”

You nodded.

“That’s ok. I’ll just dig you up and you can tell me then.”

“I’m _pretty_ sure that is super illegal.” 

“Hm? Hasn’t stopped me before,” she replied nonchalantly. 

“Really? Your side hustle is a grave robber?”

“Pfft. Yeah right. No, I mean the implication of legality hasn’t stopped me from committing morally ambiguous activities in general.”

The kettle was close to popping so you pulled it off the base and poured in the water before taking the mugs over to the kitchen table. Sarah thanked you for her tea and you took a seat across from her.

“Alright, so remember that meeting I had with Sans last week? I kinda lied a bit about something.” You grabbed the tea bag and bobbed it in the boiling water to give your fingers something to do. “Sans asked if I had told anyone about Vaccumm, and I said no, but technically I kept you in the loop with everything. “

Sarah nodded and brought the steaming mug up to her lips and gave a couple of soft blows before meeting your gaze and slowly going in for a sip. 

“Don’t do it,” you warned.

Sarah gave you a fake scowl and retorted with “Fuck you, you’re not my real dad!” before risking a quick sip. “Shit ow.” The tip of her tongue was clearly scalded and she pouted her lips at you as if it was your fault she burnt herself.

Face neutral, you deadpanned to her. “Can we focus?”

“I burnt my tongue.” She complained in a cutesy voice. Her pout was turning into a smile and you couldn’t help but chuckle a little.

“The amount of sympathy I have for you is minuscule. Listen, right now what I need is for you to pay attention, and understand that you cannot, I repeat CANNOT go blabbering about Vaccumm and what they do to anyone. I told you all that stuff in implied confidence and because you’re my best friend, and I wasn’t really thinking about any sort of consumer confidentiality stuff. Only members are supposed to know. So please keep it a secret.”

Sarah didn’t respond and her expression grew concerned as she looked down into her mug and begun to absentmindedly stir her tea. Her posture grew more withdrawn and she refused to look back up at you. 

_Oh shit. Oh no! You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!_

“Oh my god, Sarah, who did you tell? _What_ did you tell them?” You could feel your face growing hot and your pulse quicken as your mind raced to come up with potential solutions. Sarah’s giggle drew your focus back to her as she slouched back in the chair.

“Man, your face just now. Oh, relax! I was kidding. I talked to no one. Besides, your sex life isn’t anybody’s business but mine.” 

Relief instantly washed over you with just a hint of annoyance blended in. You weren’t truly mad, despite your scowl, but she didn’t need to know that. “Oh thank fuck. You are such an ass.”

Sarah eyed up and grabbed another Danish before continuing. “OK, now that _that’s_ sorted out, do keep spilling your guts because I already know too much anyways. How do I become a member?”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“If it means you’ll tell me everything… then, yes? I’m kidding.”

You gave her a very unimpressed look as you took a bite of your date square and a sip of tea to stall while you think.

Without missing a beat she argued her case. “Hear me out. I have a steady paying, mostly full-time job, my monthly expenses are basic, I make more than enough to pay child support and spoil the kids when I see them. Plus, I save some money every paycheck. Now some people buy flashy new dirt bikes or trucks with bullshit lift kits with their money.”

“Don’t forget the truck nuts.” you quietly murmured. 

Sarah smiled at your comment. “Some people go on big trips all over the world every year or so, sometimes multiple times a year and buy tacky knick-knacks and t-shirts. Some spend money on going to concerts. My point is why shouldn’t _I_ get to spend my money on something fun for me?”

“Then why don’t you take a trip somewhere? You’ve barely been outside this city.”

“Screw that. Do you know how much bail costs in other countries?” Sarah may or may not have spent a night or two behind bars for various minor offenses in her early adult years.

“Fair enough. And might I say, how surprisingly considerate of you in a roundabout way? Am I still your emergency contact?”

“Yup.” 

“Alright. No trips. At least not unsupervised.”

Sarah sighed. “I’m not looking for a grandiose overseas adventure or a new toy. I want to pay to have amazing sex with a company that has put time and effort into a building an establishment that is forward-thinking and puts safety first. A company that takes progressive strides in interspecies relations, is accepting of all kinds of peoples and preferences and tries to elevate and validate emotional and physical connections. Something that amounts to more than a five-finger special at a skeezy back alley “massage parlour” with tinted windows.”

You took another sip of your tea and nodded knowingly. “And that, Sarah, is why you work in marketing. Way to make a whorehouse sound beautiful and full of finesse. Seriously, I should send that to Sans. I’m sure he’d put it on the site somewhere.”

“Tell him it’s his for a thousand bucks.”

“I’ll let him know. Ouu! Give me some sexy, holiday marketing slogan-fluff!” 

Sarah hummed into her mug, the wheels turning in her head. “Holiday chill got you down? Here at Vaccumm we’re heating things up fast and we’ve got the naughty list you _want _to be on. So come sit in our laps and let us make your evening anything but a silent night.”__

__You began to laugh and thought to yourself that Axe and Sarah would probably get along swimmingly._ _

__“What else?” Sarah mused. “When we think about you we touch our ‘elf’? Horny for the Holidays? - We’ll stuff more than your stocking. Umm, we’ll be sure to deck your balls?”_ _

__“That sounds painful.”_ _

__Sarah scrunched up her face in confusion. “Balls? Do skeletons even have balls? You did not divulge the ball situation and I insist that you do now!”_ _

__You struggled to contain your giggles at Sarah’s eagerness. “Pfft. Huston, we have a ball situation.”_ _

__“I need to understand how many balls we’re talking about here.” As if to further explain her question Sarah held her arms out in front of her and moved both hands in a squeezing motion._ _

__“Oh god, please stop.” You picked up your mug of tea, wanting to take a drink but knowing the attempt could prove disastrous in your current state._ _

__“Not until I have a better understanding – _a grasp_ , if you will, of the ball situation.”_ _

__“I refuse. If you want to know you’ll have to put in the leg work as I did.”_ _

__“Alright, fair enough. Maybe I can make it my Christmas gift to myself?”_ _

__“So what _are_ you doing for the holidays? Want to do Wine and Whine at my place again? Maybe try to make that tofu-turducken we always talk about?”_ _

__“Can’t. Chris invited me over for the holiday long weekend at his parent’s place. Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas day presents. The old usual. We’re probably even stupid enough to brave the mall lines to get Santa photos for the kids.” Sarah leaned forward and rested her head on one of her hands, smiling at a distant memory._ _

__**Ba-ding.** _ _

__Your phone chimed and you fished it out of your pocket to check the notification while keeping up with the conversation. “And how do _you_ feel about that plan?”_ _

__“I feel like we can put our shit aside for four days and have a nice time. It’ll be fine; it was his idea and he’s already got the kids excited about me being there. His parents are fine with it too. What about you? Will you still stay in the city If I’m not around?”_ _

__You took a moment before answering her question, preoccupied with rereading your newest text message over and over._ _

__**Sans** : good morning lc. a little cracked bird told me that you are out of a job until the new year. if you have some time today can you come to my office? i’d like to offer you a contract planning our giftmas party. After seeing the aftermath of that one party you hosted I think you’d make it exactly the kind of night i’m looking for._ _

__“Sarah…. I think I might have a job for the holidays.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and thank you for reading! It means a lot to me :3
> 
>  
> 
> I get the feeling things will really pick up soon. 
> 
> Both because Sans is the biggest enabler out of everybody and LC has a hidden, burning desire to entertain despite the low key social anxiety around strangers.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello to anyone who has made it this far. I hope that the five minutes of your life spent reading this was well spent. This story is a shitpost idea hatched from a bunch of friends and was very fun to write. 
> 
> I have a question for you lovely readers.
> 
> What skeleton would you like to see at your door trying to sell you a "vacuum"?
> 
> *Hi Guys! Did you enjoy the premise that Undersell has to offer? Wanna see more? Head over to our Undertrash discord server!
> 
>  
> 
> [Please come see us!](https://discord.gg/DG8tZw)
> 
>  
> 
> ~ASeaChelle


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